Whether it was the day you walked into your tiny dorm room freshman year, eagerly anticipating the arrival of your roommate who you’d stalked on Facebook all summer, or the first day of senior year when you moved into your first apartment with your three best friends, living away from home is one of the most anticipated perks of college.
The freedom from curfews and parents is definitely nice, but living with people in such close quarters can be more than we bargained for. We’ve all heard about and had our own fair share of experiences, both good and bad, with roommates, and though you can’t always predict what types of conflicts will come up, there are definitely ways you can keep things from getting too out of control.
We probably all share some typical common pet peeves – the roommate who always leaves the door unlocked, has dirty clothes all over the room, brings over his/her boyfriend/girlfriend every single night, blasts loud music while you’re trying to study – so we may try to brush them aside and just deal with the situation as is. However, here are some real stories about bad roommate experiences turned worse, and advice on what to do so that your roomie relations never reach this level. Make sure you aren’t guilt of any of these offenses, and if you are, shape up fast!
“I live with three girls. One has obnoxiously loud hookups. What’s worst is when she’ll bring a random guy home and let him wander through our house unsupervised. She’ll meet a guy at a bar and then I’ll run into him as I’m going to brush my teeth while she’s listening to music in her room. If she just met this guy, how am I supposed to trust him walking through our house alone?” –Sick of Strangers
Dear Sick of Strangers,
Agree upon rules regarding visitors from the start, right after you move in. While you don’t need to write up formal roommate contracts like your RA may make you do in traditional dorms, making expectations clear from the beginning will give you something precise to refer back to when problems do arise, and help ensure everyone is on the same page. Instead of deciding on general guidelines, such as allowing people to stay over “once in a while,” agree on specific expectations, such as only Fridays and Saturdays by a certain time. Even if it seems like overkill, you’ll be thankful you had a more in-depth discussion when that day comes when you’re forced to camp out in the lounge for the night or hop out of the shower and see a stranger walking around in his boxers, eating from your fridge.
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The Slob
“He left food out everywhere. His computer desk looked disgusting because there were cups that had sat there for weeks. Not empty cups, but cups that had milk that eventually became cheese! He never did the dishes, and he also never cleaned his bathroom, which was gross. It was pretty embarrassing living there, especially when girls would want to come hang out or something.” –Living in a Pigsty
Dear Living in a Pigsty,
While college students aren’t exactly known for the tidiness of their rooms or immaculate hygiene, there is a point when uncleanliness and unsanitary conditions can become a serious health hazard. Address and take steps to fix the problem at hand before it gets to that point. It’s a lot easier to wash one dish left out on the table than a whole mountain of them toppling over in the sink, or to do one load of laundry instead of three, so talk to your roommate as soon as you can about expectations for cleaning up: who is responsible for what and how often. If they still don’t get the hint, pooling together some funds for cleaning supplies and leaving them out in the open in the trouble spots may be a less subtle but more effective reminder for them.
“My first roommate freshman year tried to convert my religion! I was brought up Jewish, but I’m not very religious and brought no practices or anything to my life at school. My roommate was very religious and, in my opinion, should have met someone before moving in that she shared beliefs with. She was so closed-minded about living with someone new that she rarely talked to me. It was very obvious that her issues with me resided in the fact that I was Jewish and lived a more common college student lifestyle. She ended up moving out and leaving me a pamphlet on the principles of Christianity on my desk.” –Drowning in Doctrine
Dear Drowning in Doctrine,
At almost any university, you’ll find a mesh of a huge range of personalities, beliefs, and backgrounds, which can both drive you to meet new people but also generate a clash of cultures and lead to situations like this. When it comes to religion, make sure you both understand how personal of a choice it is. Don’t try to “solve” the problem and come to an agreement, since there really is no right or wrong choice. Instead, listen to each other and share your beliefs without persuasion, and give reasons for why you believe what you do. Don’t completely dismiss your roommate’s beliefs even if he/she is trying to push them onto you, but do make it clear that you have your own as well. This same type of conflict may present itself in other forms, so another thing to keep in mind is whether your roommate judges you for other reasons as well, such as your race, sexuality, or socio-economic background. These are all issues that run deeper than just personality clashes, so it’s even more important to recognize the heart of the matter and address it so other issues don’t feed off it.
The Best Friend
“I moved in with a good friend from home and it was the biggest mistake of my life. She was dirty, never cleaned up after herself, and was constantly trying to manipulate me. She would read my instant messages when I wasn’t there, creep on my computer (I ended up putting on a password), and use my printer paper and ink without asking and never gave me money for either. She would use my silverware, bowls, and cups and never wash them. This went on for two years.” –Privacy Please
Dear Privacy Please,
Moving in with someone you know seems like a safe bet, but best friends don’t always translate into the best roommates. This can make confronting problems both easier and harder. You may feel more comfortable being honest with them, but also worry about ruining your friendship or hurting their feelings more than you would with a stranger. Take advantage of your history and use it as a catalyst for conversation and be upfront, just as you would if your friend wanted an honest opinion about a new haircut or outfit selection. It will keep your friendship on good terms instead of letting underlying problems accumulate and cause a bigger rift later on. He or she may be mad at you for a little while, but it won’t even compare to the feud that could ensue if you wait too long to bring anything up.
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Final Advice from an RA
Communication is the best way to solve the vast majority of roommate conflicts, but only if it occurs as early on into the problem as possible. Not only will the problem itself be less severe, but so will your frustration and possibly growing temper.
Plus, according to a second year resident advisor at the University of Rochester, by the time that last straw breaks your back, the problem may run deeper than whatever it is on the surface that you find annoying. While you may complain about your roommate’s habit, whether it’s stealing your food or not taking off her shoes upon entering the room, or any other seemingly normal pet peeve, the tension between you two will lie more in the inability to communicate and failure to do so for so long. Frustrations will reach their peak, and making a huge deal about a tiny issue just serves as an easy outlet and scapegoat for the real underlying problem, which is that uncomfortable silence and avoidance of a problem you both know is there.
I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times, but that’s only because it works: communicate early on. You’ll save yourself a year’s worth of unnecessary stress and keep your own stash of horror stories like these to a minimum.
Sources
Undergraduate students and resident advisors from various U.S. universities, including Central Connecticut State University, University of Rochester, University of Connecticut, and others.
Pictures Sources
[www.someecards.com]
[www.guardian.co.uk]
[www.planetgreen.discovery.com]
[www.associatedcontent.com]