Want to please your special someone by doing a special something? Skip the social embarrassment of reading a Cosmo in public, because when it comes to the ins and outs of turning on your S.O., we’ve got the best guide you’ve ever seen. Trust us, every minute you spend reading this can lead to another thrilling minute making quite the impression in the boudoir (or wherever you like to get freako with the Cheeto).
Tip #1
Who says food is for eating? Well, most people. But are Cheetos really even food? We’ve all heard of the whipped cream fantasy but why not take it a step further? Eat some Cheetos and use the orange dust to help you and bae get it on. Make this experience a literal embodiment of “you are what you eat”, and momentarily become the Cheeto which, like the Force, is within you. Instead of letting your honey lick it off of you, engage in roleplay. You are now the Cheeto and babe is Chester Cheeto. Run around the house chasing each other until you get it on.
Tip #2
Spice it up by investing in some flaming hot Cheetos. Eat them seductively, being careful not to be neat, because your wild cheetah likes you messy. Lick your fingers, reducing the cheesy stains from neon traffic cone festival to rotting carrot. Better yet, have your S.O. do it. Give each other massages, turning one another’s backs into sexy works of art and creating more than just the potential for new life.
Tip #3
There is no object in the universe that shares the same styrofoam texture as Cheetos (besides styrofoam). This is why Cheetos make for the ultimate padding. Alternatively, dust yourself with Cheeto dust for extra points. Everyone loves a powdered hottie.
Tip #4
Keep your tongue out of your mouth as much as possible, as if you are a hungry lizard who needs a Cheeto. Make sure they the Cheeto stains on your teeth and tongue. They’ll think it’s sexy, like makeup for your mouth. After allowing all your drool to flow effortlessly like a river, your tongue will dry out. Take advantage of the moment to mention how thirsty you are. Wink often.
Tip #5
Test the power of food aphrodisiacs. According to research, green M&Ms have been shown to stimulate sexual drive. You know what else can be green? Mold, premature bananas, and snot. Oh, and also Cheetos. Buy green Cheetos or save some money with the DIY method: food dye. As of April 2016, this sensual trick has a 17.38% success rate (This is true. The Internet says so).
Tip #6
We didn’t invent Cheetos, and therefore do not see shame in pointing out that the two most popular variations are phallic and ball shaped. We’ll let you do what you will with that valuable information.
Tip #7
Put on some sexy mood music from the early 2000’s while you eat Cheetos. Nickleback, the recovered singles of lost American Idol contestants, and various country-broadway crossovers are all available on iTunes. Coordinate your crunches in a rhythmic pattern to help your special sweetie get into the swing of the bodily music of mankind. Like those old MasterCard ads, old non-bestseller songs are $1.30, but the experience is priceless.
All right, all you beautiful Cheetos out there. Now you are an expert of Cheeto-stimulation. Go test it out on your S.O… and please report back. You know, for the giggles.
Image credits: Giphy.com