Preface
There are a few essential truths anyone reading this must understand.
This was not written to hurt my ex by any means. I wrote this as a way to heal. Anytime I felt tears welling up in my eyes over our split (whether sad, mad, or otherwise), I made myself think of a line to write here to calm down. This is my story, my experience, from the other side, after thorough reflection. I never even realized many of these things were going on until after our breakup. Our love and our growth were real, and I wouldn’t trade the past thirteen months for anything else.
Again, the purpose of this was never to hurt, but to articulate that there’s always something more going on behind closed doors that people don’t realize. We were perfect on paper… and on social media. This is also to manifest that while times like these are difficult, you will get through it (we all will). Lastly, these wounds are still fresh. If you know us, please be respectful of us. And please don’t let this skew your perception of either or both of us. That was never the point.
Without further ado,
~~~~~
I Knew
In the weeks leading up to our breakup, the song “When Was it Over For You” played nearly every time I hit shuffle on my fall playlist of 105 songs. Hearing it every day, sometimes more than once, forced me to think about that dreaded question. Deep down, I knew I had lost you. I knew it was over — maybe even before you did.
~~~~~
I knew it when you stopped hanging out in Tate like you used to just because you knew I’d be there
When you didn’t get me a birthday gift because I was “too hard to shop for” even after a year
When you stopped saying “I love you” at the end of phone calls
When you didn’t make lunch plans, so I ate alone
When I kept seeing 333 everywhere — a sign that guardian angels were helping me come to a decision I so desperately didn’t want to make (this happened just now)
When I sobbed in your arms and begged you for compliments and all you could manage was one measly, unconvincing, “you’re beautiful.”
I knew
When you didn’t text me that you were home safe
When you stopped leaving me sweet notes or drawings
When you were “too tired”
When you stopped laughing at my jokes
When you didn’t respond to selfies I’d send
When I couldn’t remember the last time we kissed
When you couldn’t remember either
I knew
When you needed to “focus on your career”
When you stopped celebrating my accomplishments
When you couldn’t give me a reason for why you were going home for the weekend, instead of having time with me
When you didn’t text my mom back
When you forgot after I reminded you so. many. times.
When you claimed you had never heard the song I considered our song
I knew
When I forgot I was doing something that bothered you
When I caught myself imagining a life with strangers I saw on campus instead of with you
When I compared you to an ex, only once
When your quirks started becoming icks
When you defended a misogynistic bigot
When I got mad over something that was “just a joke”
When it was never “just a joke”
I knew
When we only ever talked about you
When I suddenly felt like I was too much, and tried to make myself small
When my (very intuitive) grandma had a dream I fell for someone else, someone so different from you
When you came over with a bag of my stuff to return
When I stopped ignoring your red flags
When I told my recently partnered friend, “the honeymoon phase won’t last forever”
I knew
When silence in each other’s company became awkward
When you replaced effort with empty promises and sentiments
When you never said yes to going to Semi with me
When you insulted my driving every time you rode with me
When you stopped saying forever
When I realized it wasn’t worth fighting anymore
I knew
When I started comparing again
When I saw how your brother posted about his girlfriend
When I saw how in love they are
When I stopped believing you when you told me you loved me
When I thought about how different we had become
When I missed us. This wasn’t us.
I knew
When you obviously didn’t approve of my new tattoo, something that is so meaningful to me
When everyone else in my life was there for me when you should have been the most
When I never wore my favorite dress because you didn’t like it
When I became overly conscious of how much I was eating
When I started picking at my skin because it wasn’t pretty enough
When I worked so hard to make sure you never got upset
When I realized I didn’t like who I’d become, I used to love myself
I knew
When you didn’t respond for hours
When you never even tried to hang out with or get close to my family
When your dad made fun of me and you laughed along with him
When you gave me new insecurities
When I realized I had been relying on you to heal me
When I cried to my dad at 6 am on the way to the airport to see you because I realized we might be too different
I knew
When I waited until 3 am for you to walk me home because you were on the game
When you didn’t bother remaking your matching bracelet when yours broke
When I cried on the phone with my mom because I couldn’t figure out how to help you out of a sad, scary time in your life
When I didn’t join the club because you made fun of it
When I realized my identity had become almost completely intertwined with you
When I thought it would be easier just to stay
I knew
When you stopped asking about my day
When I invited you, but you never could make it to meet my extended family
When you hated the nickname my friends gave you
When I didn’t tell the frat guy at the social about you
When I sang “All Too Well” a little too loudly on my car ride home
When you never once got me flowers
When I couldn’t find you in your beautiful eyes anymore. At least not the you
I knew.
~~~~~
But there were lots of times I didn’t know. When I was perfectly and completely and incandescently happy,
and I thought you were too.
I didn’t know
When you got me the perfect, most thoughtful anniversary gift
When we listened to our song on the car ride to the airport
When you made me laugh so hard my abs were sore the next day
When I read the page-long note you wrote me after our first fight
When you asked me to be your girlfriend at the botanical gardens on our first date
When I visited your hometown
When I wrote in my journal “I love him! I love him! I love him!” on June 17th, 2022
I didn’t know
When you went to see a stage production of A Christmas Carol just because it’s my favorite
When you walked me to (and sometimes from) rehearsal every night because it was dark and you wanted to make sure I was safe
When I fell asleep in your arms watching The Office
When we danced barefoot in the kitchen
When I watched all six seasons of Community with you just because you loved it
When you would call me your “strawberry”
When you learned to play “Ours” by Taylor Swift on guitar so we could sing it together
I didn’t know
When we met at Ramsey, and it was love at first sight for me
When you said you were scared of losing me
When I didn’t even mind your snoring
When you watched my comfort movie with me
When we raced kayaks in Vermont
When you picked a rose for me
When you drew a heart in the fog on my front windshield so you’d be with me when I drove home for Christmas
I didn’t know
When we stole kisses in the staircase
When I introduced you to “Valerie” by Amy Winehouse, and you loved it so much, you made all your friends learn it
When we built legos together
When we played cards with your family
When you stayed up and talked me through the worst day of my college experience so far, even though you had homework
When I catch myself looking for you in crowds, even now
When I had a dream we were happy together again
When I came into my dorm room crying one night and my roommate asked what was wrong, and I said, “Absolutely nothing. I’m gonna marry him someday.” September 4th, 2021
I really didn’t know.