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fountain pen on a letter
fountain pen on a letter
Alvaro Serrano
Life

Letters to Myself: What I Should Have Said

Sarah Toole
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at FSU chapter.

In her 2010 song “Innocent,” the great poet, Taylor Swift sings, “If only you had seen what you know now then.” We all have so much to say to our younger selves. We’d love to return to particular moments in time and say or do what we didn’t. I didn’t realize until now that I could change my narrative and take power from my suffering.

Little Sarah,

I think you knew there was something different about you from a very young age. It’s why your teachers couldn’t get you to shut up and why you knew how to talk back to your parents so well. You were brighter than most.

At eight, your grandma was in and out of the hospital. I would say to you: I know how painful it feels being without her for these few months. You are allowed to feel that hurt, no matter who tries to repress it. She will come out of this alive. Don’t let your brain convince you otherwise.

At nine, you were robbed of your innocence and your dignity. I would say to you: I know you’re confused. I know you’re scared. I want you to know that this is something you never deserved. People will tell you later that this is something normal and that you’re at fault. You should know none of that is true. You need to tell someone.

At 14, you were heavier than ever and starting to hate yourself. I would say to you: It doesn’t matter how fat you are. The bullying and harassment from your classmates are not okay. You’ll hear things you’d never say to yourself from those who claim to love you the most. Don’t start saying the things they so hatefully say to you to yourself.

At 15, your mom died. I would say to you: Jokes will not heal you. They’ll only get you used to being comfortable basking in your trauma. Your relationship with her was complicated but you loved her. You deserve to grieve. Give yourself time.

At 19, your grandma’s dementia is causing arguments around your house. I would say to you: Be the adult and don’t argue. Recognize how much she’s loved you and extend her the same grace. She is not who she used to be. Don’t let anything she says hurt you. I know it’s frustrating and more demanding than most want to make it out to be.

I’m 20 now. My dad finally walked out of my life and since then, the doors for success have been kicked open. I’m ending my year with all the friends I started it with. All my loved ones are alive and well. My friend Jayla came back into my life and has brought me so much love. I graduated with my AA degree and all the people I love were there. The same goes for my birthday party. I spent my birthday weekend with my brother and his family. I am an FSU student and I have a job. I have been fortunate enough to have been considered and chosen for at least eight programs and organizations at FSU. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I’m just extremely lucky and so very loved.

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