By now, we’re all familiar with the phrase “he’s just not that into you” made famous by the 2009 film titled just that. At the time, the movie sold this idea as a fairly scandalous topic. I was nine, so I can’t say how accurate that was, but I think it still holds a lot of truth today. Sometimes we just need a reminder that we didn’t do anything wrong and there’s nothing we could have done differently. That person just isn’t that into us—and it’s ok.
I think that there’s another side of this conversation we often forget. Sometimes we get so caught up in the chase and the idea of finding someone that we forget to ask; are we even into them?
Have you ever found yourself successfully in a situationship, exactly where you aimed to be, and then felt like something wasn’t quite right? Or you finally get to make out with the person you’ve been flirting with, and it just falls flat? Even if they check all the boxes you thought you wanted and they kiss really well, is it just not doing it for you or your downstairs? Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you but, you’re just not that into them.
Whenever I end up in this type of situation, I usually find myself asking two questions:
how did I get here? and how do I get out of this?
The answers to these questions are as nuanced as the person asking them, so I don’t have a magical catch-all-answer, but for me, there are two common reasons (and neither are cute). The first is I was simply responding to the attention someone gave me. Whether or not catching someone’s attention was on my mind, if it plops itself down in my lap, I’m very likely to entertain it for a while. If I’m genuinely not interested, it’s much easier to move along, but if my attention is held and I can’t quite decide how I feel… this is where we get into sticky territory. Conversation becomes a drink, a drink invites more conversation, and if you’re not careful, you’ve given out your phone number and had another public make out.
So if you want to stop this waste of time in its tracks, try and find a place in the conversation to be assertive and say that you need to get back to your friends, but you’ll see them later in the evening. You don’t have to follow up on this offer, but if you decide you’re interested, it’s there, and their number is probably up for the taking too.
The second reason I find myself entertaining people I might not with a clear head is more embarrassing. Now that I’m really thinking about it, it’s the more prominent of these two situations.
It’s a combination of jealousy and disappointment.
You find yourself in a situation where your crush is on your mind, and for whatever reason, they aren’t paying attention to you like they have in the past. So, you act out. The next person that comes along, BAM! It’s their lucky night. You’re in just the right mood to be entertained because you can’t get the attention you want from the person you wanted.
This is the slipperiest of the situations because nine times out of ten, that next person is probably a good runner-up to your crush. They’re cute, making good conversation, and very clearly expressing interest in you the way you were hoping to receive it—just from someone else. You probably have a really fun time with them, and the validation feels great, but you might find yourself in a situation where things are a little more attached than you would’ve planned.
You can still shut it down.
But it’s ok, you can still shut it down. If you ended up spending the night with them, that’s ok. You owe them nothing more than a casual goodbye. You don’t have to keep texting them or even see them again. If you’re in the same friend group you still don’t need to continue being anything more than friends.
If you didn’t go home with them, and they text you later that night, don’t respond. Just go to sleep. In the morning you can decide how you actually feel and also have your friends help you figure that out.
And if you let it play out for a longer time, you can still shut it down. It’s ok if you were unsure how you really felt, but you were having a good time. When clarity comes, that’s the time to act. As soon as you have that gut feeling like “this just isn’t for me,” it’s time to exit gracefully.
So if you find yourself in a situation like this, first remember it’s usually harmless even if you mess around a bit, but also just trust your gut. Your body will have all the answers for you if you listen to how it responds to this person. And when you know what the answer is, act on that instinct—you’re just not that into them.
