Everyone has that friend who you turn to for the tough topics. Someone who’ll tell it like it is, listen, give feedback, and emotionally support you. But there’s a point where you have to step back and give them the space to grow beyond their role as your personal therapist. But as the therapist friend, I’m begging you to give me and every other overly-supportive person out there a little breather.
While it is important for your friends to be present and supportive, they shouldn’t be tasked with holding your hand through life and listening as you trauma dump. While you may not even mean to, trauma dumping can be super awkward and honestly just emotionally taxing on the person you lay it on. So before you give someone the arduous task of unpacking something that likely needs a little therapy to unpack, think again.
“But, what even counts as trauma dumping?”
To put it simply, trauma dumping is essentially when you intentionally or unintentionally overshare intimate, traumatic, or difficult information without warning or simply at an inconvenient or inappropriate time. While it is sometimes cathartic to vent to a friend, it’s important to know when and where to draw the line. The last thing you need during a tough time is to alienate your friends through uncomfortable and unwanted conversations.
“Well, how do I stop now?”
While I may be the “therapist friend” now, I used to be on the other end of this boundary-pushing issue. And I found a few ways around it:
Here’s some of what helped me along with quotes from Marriage and family therapist (MFT) Cindy Mondragon on why these can seriously help battle trauma dumping.
Journaling
Writing out your feelings eliminates the act of talking to someone altogether. It cuts out the middleman and helps you tackle your emotions head-on. I typically write until I either get tired out or gain a better understanding of my feelings.
Here’s what MFT, Cindy Mondragon had to say about Journaling as a coping skill:
“Journaling is a great way to increase awareness and insight, it helps promote change and growth,” thus helping you value yourself. “Writing [out] your emotions also helps decrease symptoms of depression.”
Seeking out therapy
While it may be daunting at first, many schools offer free mental health counseling services. Before getting started with my personal therapist I sought out these services, which later referred me to who I see today. Your university can help you get in touch with resources specific to your situation and limitations. Don’t be afraid to open up to this seemingly strange person. Their job is to listen and understand. Take advantage of the opportunity if you have it. It can help you make great strides in improving your mental health without using trauma dumping as a crutch.
Why Cindy Mondragon, MFT, thinks therapy can be the answer:
“People who trauma dump should attend therapy because it offers space for the trauma dumper to express all their [feelings and] traumas without having the other person feel like they are being used and not heard. The sessions are not about the therapist- [they’re] about the client.”
Setting Healthy Boundaries
I’m not saying I stopped talking about my problems altogether. I just kinda toned it down a bit. Instead of a constant downpour of information and traumatic memories being shared, it became the occasional rant and simple advice seeking while keeping them attuned to my issues. There is a lot of unspoken importance in the setting and maintenance of boundaries. I realized that I was overstepping, and needed to draw the line.
Mondragon’s thoughts on setting boundaries with your friends:
“Setting boundaries is healthy in any relationship whether it’s” a romance, friendship, or family bond. “It is a way that you can protect yourself and let others know what” is to be tolerated within the relationship, by both parties. Boundaries can help relationships flourish by “building trust, safety, and respect.”
All in All,
I just found other outlets to keep myself from oversharing and creating awkwardness or tension between me and my friends. Maybe one day I’ll learn to set boundaries on the other side of this, but we’ll see. I’m not saying you need to stop opening up to your friends entirely, but it just shouldn’t become overwhelming for the receiver. It shouldn’t be an issue of reliance on your friends or creating uncomfortable situations with oversharing and overstepping boundaries. Everyone has to be able to handle their problems on their own, to an extent, and find ways to cope without making others shoulder the responsibility of their issues.