This Thanksgiving, 1.8 million people watched me cry on the bathroom floor.
I create content about the bittersweet realities of growing up. Alongside the 47.4% of U.S. TikTok users under the age of 30, I build community by engaging with trending sounds about growing pains, like these lyrics from “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and the Heart:
“Been talkin’ ’bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state”
Over 200,000 videos have used this sound to grieve the simplicity and comfort of the way things used to be. My recreation of the trend shares a Thanksgiving realization I didn’t expect, and no one prepared me for. My text reads:
When you used to make Thanksgiving name cards with your Nana and assign everyone a seat and turkey sticker.
Now you’re states away at your boyfriend’s dinner table in a room full of strangers.
The comment section quickly flooded with messages of understanding, support, and validation from people who’ve lived or are living in the same experience. Millions of us are dealing with the painful process of letting old traditions go to make space for others.
My younger self fantasized about adulthood, finding love, and new experiences. I failed to realize that every new phase of life requires saying goodbye to the last. Surprised and overwhelmed by the grief of spending my first Thanksgiving away from home, I leaned on my friends and partner for support. I discovered that while physically alone on the bathroom floor, my experience wasn’t original, and I wasn’t nearly as lonely as I felt.
The twenties are universally full of change. My friends’ and commenters’ dinner tables also felt different; missing loved ones who had passed on, cousins who had started their own families, and simple traditions once taken for granted. For those with similar struggles this holiday season, here are five reminders for accepting the way things change:
- Grief is not ungrateful
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Happy-sad nostalgia is hard to express without sounding ungrateful. I’m thankful to spend the holiday with my loving partner and his gracious family, where I was fed, heard, and appreciated. Even so, I allow myself to miss the past while remaining grateful for the present (free of guilt).
- Give yourself permission to feel
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One commenter left a message that is now hanging on my inspiration board. It reads, “You helped me get the cry out I’ve been holding in for days. Thank you.”
I want my writing and online presence to show strength in vulnerability. Allow yourself a bathroom floor cry, solo walk, pillow scream; give yourself the freedom to feel any way you do. While we can’t control our emotions, we can control how we care for them. Whatever complicated feelings you encounter over the holidays, know they’re okay, valid, and worthy of comfort.
- Find ways to blend what once was and what is.
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Another commenter offered an idea I will implement for years to come. They encouraged me to blend my family’s traditions into the new setting, sharing that as a host, they’d be honored to incorporate any unique, loving experience. One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories is making name cards with my Nana, so I’ll offer my amateur calligraphy skills at next year’s dinner table.Â
Whatever your nostalgic Heart yearns for, morph it to fit your new reality. Not only will you feel more at home, but you’ll honor the people who once made your holiday so memorable.
- New traditions will become the new normal.
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Everything is temporary. I find comfort in knowing that my parents, too, celebrated the last holiday in their childhood home before creating new traditions for our family. While location, people, and customs change, love is eternal.
- Nostalgia is beautiful as much as it’s painful.
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I’m fortunate to have loving holiday memories to look back on. As much as it’s painful to say goodbye to the way things were, I ground myself by celebrating the love I felt as a child and how it’s stayed with me for 21 beautiful years. I constantly remind myself of the age-old Winnie the Pooh saying,
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”
Growing up is hard, and saying goodbye to the childhood magic of holidays is painful. Be gentle with yourself this holiday season, and find peace in the journey of creating new traditions — true to you and your past.
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