The Two 2 AMs: How I Realized the College Experience is a Myth

2 AM on a Saturday -ideally, the best time to have some fun and the worst time to check Canvas. In an ideal world, my phone should have been trained onto flashing lights and a crowd of people. This was the world that TikTok and endless movies had imprinted into my mind when I thought of college.The summer after senior year of high school, my restless mind craved night air and mosh pits, and I envisioned myself becoming a new person-an ideal college girl with perfect makeup and a nonstop evening itinerary. 

    Fast forward to 2 AM on a Saturday in October. I was fast asleep in my dorm , encircled by an empty box of pizza and a stack of books. I’d “gone out” the previous night and had woken up so exhausted that I craved the quiet comfort of my dorm and perhaps a rewatch of New Girl. I wanted a day that was completely my own, where I could wake up early and not feel tired. I imagined what it would be like to study without always feeling like you had to catch up. And even as I felt that some alone time would be in order, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was missing out on the “college experience”-whether I was somehow odd for feeling drained after a single party. I compelled myself to accept every invitation for everything, pushing my academics to Sunday and always going to the afterparty. I told myself that this was the “college experience”, and if I wasn’t careful, I would find that everyone had had it except me. I still made sure to keep on track with school, but it came at the cost of using my downtime to catch up, and my late night hours were spent either with friends or with my laptop, feverishly writing notes. 

This was classic FOMO, but it was also imposter syndrome-the feeling that if you don’t check off the bucket list (giant friend group, going to fun places, etc.) you’ve “failed” at college. The feeling that eating at the dining hall by yourself connotes not having friends. In addition, having gone to a competitive high school where the focus was solely academics, I felt like my one opportunity to live my life was slipping away whenever I said I didn’t want to go somewhere at 2 AM. 

What I didn’t realize in my first semester of college was that the true “college experience” is what you make of it. It doesn’t have to be always dressing up or always hanging out with your friends. Rather, college is about knowing how to take yourself out. I realized that even if I wasn’t having fun in the “college sense”, I was still able to watch a movie with friends or even go for a walk-a way to enjoy my weekend without feeling guilty, stressed and drained the next day. Everyone’s “college experience” looks different: for me, a night of board games and pizza is just as rewarding as the nights I saw on the screen in high school. Learning to set boundaries and say no to things when I simply don’t have the energy to do them may not have made an “ideal” college experience, but learning to have peace of mind no matter what others are doing has taught me so much more.

That being said, I still enjoy late-night dancing and blasting music, but those experiences are made more precious when I pick and choose when to go. My initial illusions on college haven’t exactly been shattered, but I’ve learned that my college experience isn’t defined by every moment of my day. Rather, it’s defined by how I take care of myself-even if that means choosing to be fast asleep at 2 AM.