Hey there my fellow Her Campus members everywhere. My name is Emily Beyer, or as my close friends like to call me “Emmy B.” I recently had an experience that changed my perspective on mental health completely. I thought I would share my experience with mental illness before my two best friends encouraged me to seek help. Do not be discouraged to reach out for help. It took me years to realize how much my mental health has declined. I am glad that I had the courage to speak up and start taking care of myself. I was worried that people would not listen to me, or take me seriously. However, the longer you wait, the more you are going to struggle.
A few years ago, I developed anxiety, as well as what I thought was depression. I did not want to self-diagnose myself because that would have done me no good. I experienced a few traumatic events in my life that have caused my mental state to decline. Until this year, I have never been in therapy, or been on any medication. Before I came back to school for the Spring semester, I made a doctor’s appointment because I was having anxiety to the point where I would get chest pains. I expressed my concerns to my doctor and she asked me if I had any anxiety, and continued to ask me questions regarding my symptoms of anxiety. I realized that I met almost all of the symptoms for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
Now my anxiety overlapped with what at the time I thought was depression. I would oversleep most days, feeling drained all of the time, wishing I would not wake up in the morning and drown my emotions with alcohol. I was put on a small dosage of Lexapro for GAD as well as Hydroxyzine for my panic attacks. Antidepressants make you feel worse before they actually do its job. My medicine made me extremely tired, which is a common side effect, and my day-to-day life was just getting difficult. Anything I did just took all of my energy. I met with my doctor again and I did not think the lower dosage of the Lexapro was working, so she upped it to a slightly higher dosage, along with the Hydroxyzine.
Now, the goal was to get off of the Hydroxyzine completely and just be on the Lexapro. One morning, I took the higher dosage of the Lexapro with my Hydroxyzine and it was an out of body experience. I had the worst panic attack I have ever had in my life, I had to call my best friend and wake my roommate up because my heart was racing so fast that I felt like I was having a heart attack. Then, I started having suicidal thoughts to the point where I almost ended my life. I gave my bottle of pills to my roommate because I did not trust myself. I started having thoughts like “I can’t do this anymore” “What’s the point of living?” I called my doctor, and she encouraged me to go to the hospital.
My roommate was kind enough to drive me to the hospital, and sat with me until she had to go. My parents drove to Indiana to come and see me, and I had to explain to them what had brought me to this point, because I have always had suicidal thoughts, the medicine just made it worse. The psychiatric nurse at the hospital gave me two options: (1) Go home with my parents and develop a safety plan, or (2) be hospitalized. My roommate and best friend thought it was best if I was hospitalized for a little while, and I agreed with them. I have never gotten the actual help that I needed, and now it was time to do something to take care of myself.
So that night, I was sent to Clarion Psychiatric Hospital over an hour away from Indiana, and even further away from my hometown. As soon as I got there, they took my phone and apple watch. I was allowed to have my clothes, but being detached from my phone frustrated me, because I am a college student my whole life is on my phone and computer. I was there for seven days, and relived the same day over and over again. I am not going to go into detail, but it was exhausting. Not being able to go outside, not being able to use my phone. I felt detached from reality. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and switched medications.
I realized a lot while I was there, though. For one, I was not alone and many people were also struggling with similar struggles. I learned that my phone is not the most important thing in the world. The most important thing that I learned is to take one day at a time. So, if you are reading this and you are struggling, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many resources out there to help support mental health. Even just ranting to a therapist, the way you rant to your best friend. Different therapeutic resources work for each person. I want to close this article with: You matter, and you are so loved. Take the time for yourself, to work on yourself.