Since I was a kid, I have always been good with imitations.
I remember singing to the “High School Musical” soundtrack with my sister at the age of seven. We were both screaming on the top of our lungs to the rhythm of the music. But, while she invented her own words, I was trying to make sense out of an unknown language.
I was imitating what I thought English sounded like on those songs.
Throughout the years, I reached a point where I had spent too much time online to know what English sounded like. And, with the help of classes and school, I was able to reach the point where I am now: listening, reading and even aspiring to write in English as a career.
Still, I have never felt insecure about my English until I got to the U.S.
Suddenly, I was confusing words, grammar and my imitation skills were completely gone. I saw myself often getting nervous unconsciously when having to speak because I knew how bad I sound.
According to Marie-Eve Bouchard, an assistant professor of sociolinguistics at the University of British Columbia, this feeling of anxiety towards speaking has a name: linguistic anxiety.
“A person who feels that the way they speak is inferior or too far from the standard is bound to show signs of linguistic insecurity,” she said in article on the university’s website. “It is a belief that is socially constructed and can lead us to assume that some ways of speaking are ‘good’ and others are ‘bad.’”
But my brain never seems to find a balance between good and bad.
Linguistic insecurity explains my toxic relationship with the English language.
And, though this situation feels like a personal struggle, I know I am not alone.
“I forget words sometimes,” my roommate, Laura Laguna, said. “Yesterday I forgot how to say filing your nails, and I had to mimic it for my co-worker.”
I met Laura three years ago when we matched as roommates through acquaintances. We both come from Bolivia and have Spanish as our native language. Still, our experiences are different.
She had been learning English at school since she was four.
“I remember forgetting how to say ‘may I go to the bathroom?’ in kindergarten,” she said. “I had to ask the TA, who was nice enough to let me do it in Spanish.”
And with time, her English improved until she became fluent.
Still, she said her fluency does not take away the person she becomes when speaking English: a more shy and quieter version of herself.
“When I speak with people from here, I speak slower,” she said, “I’m always thinking in Spanish.”
My mind works in Spanish, too. I am guilty of thinking, reflecting and imagining in Spanish while my mouth communicates in English.
I lose the sparkle people say I have as I concentrate on not confusing words.
I am not myself.
I think of the world as my judge, even though nobody in it may be doing so.
“People who aren’t bilingual don’t understand it,” Laura Martinez said.
She comes from Nicaragua but has spent almost her entire life in the U.S. She has almost spent her entire life talking in English.
Though she said she speaks Spanish at home with her family, she said it is limited to the same questions: “What do you want for dinner?” or “How did it go with your friend?”
Nothing major, nothing she has really to think about.
But doubts come in when she interacts with people who know she is not a native.
“When I’m with someone, and I am caught off guard, I get nervous,” she said. “I start to doubt my ability to speak Spanish.”
For her, speaking with strangers can be challenging. However, Spanish is a varied language, which makes it a daily learning experience.
“Slang, it throws you off,” she said.
And, suddenly, it is not about who she is with. Instead, it becomes a search for her identity with Spanish.
She asks herself: “Do I not know what they’re saying because my Spanish isn’t good enough or is it because they come from another country?”
Changing from English to Spanish is like changing from one username to another on a computer.
When I am nervous or tired, I feel my brain and mouth betraying me. I feel my tongue twisting in between words until I suddenly stop talking.
People ask again, ‘sorry, what did you say?’ But, I almost always do not think fast enough to repeat myself.
I do not react as I normally would.
But writing lets me blend within the crowd. It does not require me to react as I would need to while speaking.
It is a cheat code and a relief to my struggles.