Not my birth chart, I swear
Apart from a very surface-level phase I had when I was ten years old, I genuinely do not know much about or understand astrology. However, I do know how to plug things into a computer and learn placements. This is my completely unbiased view of the top 10 best astrological placements.
10. Aries Venus…in RETROGRADE?? 😱
I think it’s really cool that Venus can be in retrograde when you’re born. That’s cool. I like when the overlap of the orbits makes it look like a planet is going backward. Remember epicycles? Yeah, those were kinda pretty.
9. 12th house stellium
I’m going to be really honest with you all, I genuinely have no clue what this means. When I was talking to this girl who was really into astrology, she asked me for my birth chart and I obliged, thinking that the position of celestial objects at the moment I was born would make for some fun conversation. However, as would soon be revealed to me, this girl was really into astrology. She immediately made a note of my 12th house stellium, and then told me to Google things when I asked her to explain what it meant. She then started speaking to me way less. This is how I know that my position was so impactful and amazing that it left her speechless, to the point where she doesn’t feel herself worthy of being near a once-in-a-generation specialty like me. This would be number one, but as an Aries woman, that placement comes first.
8. Pisces Mercury
This placement is good because it means no one is ever going to understand you except for fish. I channel this placement whenever I’m near a water body. Aquaman wishes he had what I have.
7. gemini jupiter
I don’t think any of the readership of this site is old enough to remember, but in 1994 the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 collided with Jupiter. The importance of this to the field of astronomy cannot be understated, as it was the first collision of an extraterrestrial object with a solar system object in recorded history. It also was a way for us to see how Jupiter protects the inner solar system from things like comets, as Jupiter’s mass causes it to have a very strong gravitational pull, which in turn keeps many of these objects from having a course leading to Earth and the other inner planets. Gemini is the sign of the twins, and so logically it would double Jupiter’s spiritual power or whatever. Because of this placement, comets are never going to harm me. I’m practically untouchable to space stuff. I bet I could just go up into space without a spacesuit and my extra Jupiter vibes will keep me safe. I’m just built different like that.
6. Cancer North Node
Okay, this one? This one I really do not understand. What does a north node mean? What does it even do?
5. Mercury in the tenth house
Hi, I’m Shailaja Singh, did you know that you have rights? The constitution says you do. And so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent. And that’s why I fight for you, readers! Better call Shailaja. Shailaja Singh, Her Campus hot-take-giver and basically an attorney at law.
This placement likes to communicate or something which is why I think me and Saul Goodman are literally the same person. To channel this energy, my entire workout playlist is just the “Better Call Saul” theme for three hours (speaking of which, am I the only one whose entire Instagram feed has been nothing but Saul Goodman memes for the past few months or so?)
4. Sagittarius in the seventh House
When I looked it up, it said that being married to a foreigner is likely, which means that I will be the one living all the 2014 Wattpad Italian Mafia stories. Very fun placement.
3. Gemini rising
This placement leads to a silly and goofy little person. These people are absolutely whimsical. The goofiest goobers known to man. It’s like two people for the price of one!
2. Taurus moon
A very common placement among the most gorgeous specimens of the human race. Perfect aesthetic sense and good at baking. In multiple ways.
1. Aries sun
Aries is the best sign overall. Nothing else to say. Being an aries is probably the most cool and attractive thing possible. Literally not even a single drawback or flaw, just the most perfect representatives of the human species. Frankly, confirmation of this placement should be a requirement for the presidency.
I still don’t really understand astrology. However, I do understand the superiority complex that comes with it, and seeing my placements makes me want to dunk on anyone with a primarily water sign chart. It’s only natural, considering that I have almost entirely air and fire in mine.