“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it” – David Foster Wallace
I am terrible at letting go. I have never been good at leaving things alone. Old friendships especially. Recently I’ve been thinking about someone who was in my life for a brief time and then no longer. I think we outgrew each other, which might be the saddest thing in the world. I want to be angry and jilted but I’m neither.
Not all friendships last, nor should they. People grow and change. I wouldn’t have the same friends I had when I was seven, I was a completely different person, music taste and fashion style aside.
The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever. That doesn’t mean that the friendship was not as deep and full of love as you thought it was, not at all. Some people are just in your life to help you learn and grow, and then when you are done helping each other, you part and watch each other live their lives and succeed through social media and campus gossip. Friendships aren’t measured with longevity. It doesn’t have to last forever to matter.
But that doesn’t mean I’m good at accepting it. I still struggle with loving and losing.
She knows what I’d name my first kid, but she doesn’t know the name of the last boy I kissed. She’s the first person I showed the design of my dream tattoo to, but doesn’t even know that I ended up getting it, on my upper right arm, just like we had talked about.
But, I’m still grateful for our friendship. She taught me so much, and I hope I did the same for her. I will always have so much love for her, but it’s no longer an active feeling. It just sits with me, and when I think of what we were, I’ll always feel that affection for her.
I recently saw a quote on one of those gut-wrenching poetry slideshows on TikTok set to Scott Street by Phoebe Bridgers, “I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.”
In case anyone I ever loved and lost is reading this:
I love you, I miss you, I hope you’re well.