I grew up watching films like Lady Bird and reading Bildungsromans about coming of age. So naturally, the day I turned 16, I expected a huge, tragic story to take over my life and turn me into a ‘woman’, as they call it. I waited and waited everyday to feel different, but it never really came to me. I didn’t ever feel like an adult; I had all the opportunities to do rebellious things but I never did somehow. I didn’t even have my moment when I moved to college, and everything felt just the way it had felt for the past 16 years. Until yesterday.
Yesterday, I walked into the bathroom and squeezed out the last bit of toothpaste to brush my teeth. When I looked for the pantry drawer where we stored our usual household items, I couldn’t find it. I had to go out and buy toothpaste. And pads. And tissues. And cough syrup for my throat. I made myself a grocery list, stuck to it, and for the first time in my life I didn’t stand in the chocolate aisle for 45 minutes deciding whether I should buy a Kitkat, a Twix or both. I went back home feeling weirdly similar to my mother. And now that I think about it, I have been feeling like my mother all month. I crib about my room being too messy and keep cleaning all the time. I like taking frequent naps. I miss eating khichdi. I wake up early so I can go eat breakfast. I keep advising what medicines my friends should take when their stomachs hurt and I try to save as much money as I can. That grocery list, as insignificant as it sounds, became my moment.
As I walked out of the grocery store, I felt as though my limbs had been replaced by rusty metal rods. I realized that adulthood may not be a fleeting moment like they describe it in the books. It doesn’t feel like a soft breeze in your hair as you open your car window. It feels like the flash of a headlight in your face as you’re cramped up in a loud, sweaty train compartment at 3 in the morning. It feels unfamiliar and unsettling and uncomfortable because having this sense of freedom feels wild and illegal. It’s both an open field and a prison at the same time.
Adulthood isn’t too different from being a teenager- you try new things, lie to your parents and make new friends, but the only difference is that you can only blame yourself for your mistakes. You are suddenly hit in the face with so much responsibility and freedom and so little time that it gets a little overwhelming. You realise that you are responsible for your own life and have no one to tell you to eat your vegetables or not skip class to catch up on sleep. Despite the fact that this feeling feels absolutely glorious, it wears off in a few weeks after you realise that you could be responsible for your own downfall. You then start doing things you swore you would never do, like making a timetable for your day and actually following it and going to class having done the readings because you feel stupid in class and almost fail your first test. It’s not all that bad, though. You can still talk to your parents and siblings everyday, and still get yelled at by them.
You can still ask people you trust for advice on things you have no clue about and you can continue to talk to friends you’ve known since you were a child. You can still take your fancy clothes home for laundry because you’re scared the laundryman here might ruin it. This transition period is alright if you try, just don’t forget to make your grocery list.