Finding out I was bisexual was a big shock to me. Boy did it hit me hard when I figured it out. One day I was with my ex-boyfriend and the next, I was thinking about what it would feel to kiss a girl. I was told that most people who are straight don’t have thoughts like this and I soon realized that it was more than just bi-curiosity. Everything felt like it was coming to a strange halt; my world was crumbling. The fear of how my family would react, the feeling that the world felt so far away all of a sudden, and of course, the worry that I would feel more different than I already was. But I moved on with my life, keeping it a secret from the majority of my family out of fear.
I know we get small little crushes on people all the time, but sometimes one just hits you harder than just infatuation. The first time I had a legitimate crush on a girl was wild. She originally had a crush on me and I was in this phase where I believed I was asexual. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, but it didn’t feel right to me. The label just felt off.
Turns out, I just needed the right time and place to get to know the girl a bit more, to see her sparkle, and to see her excitement in life. Z was like a dream come true. We worked together and every time I saw her, it felt like heaven. By the time I had fallen for her, she had moved on with a lawyer (a woman as well). I felt hopeless; like I had missed out on a big opportunity to get to know an amazing person. Nevertheless, Z taught me such a valuable lesson without knowing it, and she’ll probably never know it. She taught me to go for what I want in life, (no matter who it is) or I may find myself getting left behind.
Z may have been my first woman crush, but she was definitely not my first girlfriend. I dated here and there and remember having the hots for a girl named R in my high school. Then again, I didn’t know how to express that I might be queer, let alone express that I did in fact like her back. To add additional complication, I was in a very heterosexual relationship at the time with both of us thinking that I was straight. She was a strange girl, but I won’t lie to myself, she was totally my type.
Women truly are beautiful. With Autism, I couldn’t differentiate if I felt jealousy or something else. Later in life, I realized that my infatuation and sexual frustration were rooted in something deeper; feeling trapped in an identity i didn’t connect with.
Funnily enough, after facing a lot of traumatic experiences dating men, I thought I’d give women a try. Man, was that a bad idea. I struck out multiple times with women over 6 years. It was hard and I literally never thought someone would like me enough to at least date me, let alone love me. As much as I wish I was a Casanova, I was much more of a Napoleon Dynamite whenever it came to women. Sad, I very much know. Face palming, disgusted nose wrinkling, shame-filled attempts to woo a girl off her feet. Boy was that embarrassing to admit. This year, I decided to open up my heart to men again.
The first two guys of the year messed up my self confidence. Guy number one, A, was nice and sweet at first. But after he got what he wanted, he discarded me like his used condom. Resentful, I quickly moved on to the next guy, who we’ll call Spaghetti Breath because in all honesty, I forgot his name. That went nice at first and then I got ghosted for quite a while, only to get a text from him explaining to me how my compliments made him uncomfortable. I am apparently “too Autistic” for him and he works with Autistic children. I was told I am not girlfriend material, let alone wife material.
Fast forward two months later and I met this guy on a dating app. He’s sweet, kind, nerdy, funny…the whole package. His name is Connor.
Connor was the first person to teach me how to feel cared about in a healthy relationship as a bisexual. No over-sexualization or worrying about me cheating on him, and nothing but consent. I feel constantly reassured and I appreciate him so much.
My journey as a bisexual has been nothing short of complicated and enlightening. More than anything, it has taught me that I’m attracted to people with good hearts, no matter their gender identity. While our gender is simply socially constructed, our humanity is what truly shapes who we become.