Over the years, I have noticed that as me and my girl friends grow up, we have become more accustomed to center men in our lives. What I mean by this is, putting men’s thoughts or their lives at the center of the conversation before ourselves. For example, have you ever asked your friend a simple “how are you?” and the first thing she responds with is “Good! My boyfriend got me flowers this week!.” Her first response is about her boyfriend, not her school/career, her family, or her mental health. This, of course, is a small example, but the issue is very deep and very relevant. As a feminist in her 20s, this is something I have noticed more than ever before.
We as women are too accustomed to center men in our lives. Centering their opinions, centering their goals, centering their perspectives, and centering our relationship with them before the one with ourselves. Women often think “Are men going to find me attractive” in an outfit before we ask ourselves “Do I like/ feel comfortable in this outfit.” We let their views of us determine our views of ourselves. It is not one person’s fault that this is happening, we live in a patriarchal society that has pushed this narrative onto us. But it is our responsibility to consciously put an end to it.
It is hard to try to put an end to it because we are bombarded by the patriarchy in everything we do, especially in the media. There is actually a test that shows this issue in films. It is called the bechdel test. The bechdel test is a test associated with movies. In order to pass the test, the movie has to have three criteria:
1. It has to have at least two [named] women in it.
2. Who talk to each other.
3. About something besides a man.
You would be SHOCKED with how many of our favorite movies do not pass this test. Movies like Avatar, Ratatouille, the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, Toy Story 1 and 2, Finding Nemo, The Lion King, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and La La Land are just a few.
This shows how the media views the value of women having their own lives in films. We as young women cannot let that view seep into our own realities. We need to make a greater effort to detach from the idea of centering men in almost all of our conversations. We need to de-center men in our female friendships and in our lives as a whole.
Having men be the center of our attention in our lives is weakening our ability to forge our own paths, opinions, goals and definition of happiness. I feel that slightly changing your conversations with your girl friends is the best way to start empowering yourself to have YOU as the center of your own life. Not your boyfriend, not your brother, not your male professor who thinks he’s the best in the industry, and not your father. You. You need to be the center of your own life. I believe that young women have the power to change the world for the better, but we cannot do it with a little man infiltrating our brains and telling us what to do.
Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are. – Christina Yang, Greys Anatomy.