In my senior year of high school, my life was ruined. My entire friend group disbanded. In just one weekend, I went from having many friends to one. I didn’t know what to do. I always appreciated my friends, and I knew how important they were to me. It wasn’t surprising that I felt lost without them. What truly affected me were the little things. Who was going to sit in my car before class? Who would I go to Starbucks with after school? Who would I go to parks with on Wednesdays?
I spent the last couple of months of senior year desperate to find people to fill the void. I began learning that I could find friends in so many different places. I still talk to some of my coworkers.
Entering college, I felt like everything got worse. It was so hard to keep in touch with my friends back home. Don’t get me wrong; we’re still friends. It’s just different. Not only were my social circles uprooted, but so was my whole life.
First-year students in college are very easy to talk to. Everyone, for the most part, is in the same boat. We’re just trying to get by. The problem is that yes, I talked to a bunch of people, but did I genuinely connect with them? Was I just talking for the sake of talking? What was the purpose of it all? For the sake of full disclosure, I can’t remember the names of half the people I talked to that first week. I came back to my dorm every day feeling exhausted. I felt like I was putting on a front. I was trying to be someone that I’m not just so people would talk to me.
I am not that person.
After a little while, I became close with some of the people from my dorm. It was great. I found people I fit in with and liked. Since they lived so close, it was easy to spend so much of our time together. Just a quick flight of stairs, and we’re in each other’s rooms. A tap on the door, and we’re going to the Student Union together.
Now I’m in a weird in-between stage. I love the friends I’ve made. I’m an extrovert. I love talking to new people. At the same time, I forgot what it’s like to sit in silence with myself. Especially with a roommate that I’m very close to, it’s rare that I’m not talking to someone. Even on my walks to class, I call my mom or one of my friends at home.
I was trying to voice why this made me so uncomfortable. I mean, what’s wrong with having friends and talking to them? Then, I realized: it’s not that I have a codependent relationship with a specific person, but that I’m codependent on the idea of another person. I’ve always been like that, which is why my senior year was filled with friendship-seeking. I don’t know how to exist with just myself for company.
That’s what I’ve been challenging myself to do lately. I got dinner at the Student Union by myself the other night. It was terrifying, but I did it. I think I could do it again.
Ever since I got to college, my life has been all about doing. I forgot about the little things that used to make me happy, like crocheting and going outside. I started writing this article while I was sitting outside on the grass. I was alone, and I didn’t mind it. I started a new crochet project today. They’re small steps, but they are progress to forming a healthy relationship with myself.
Friendship is not the problem. I don’t want it to sound like I’ve decided to stop seeing my friends. I still value my friends and the time that I’m lucky enough to spend with them. But I’m realizing I’m pretty cool, too. It’s okay if I’m doing something alone. It’s okay to want to spend time with myself. It’s okay to do things that I love. It’s okay to put myself first. It’s okay.
I’m going to keep challenging myself. I like the person I’m discovering that I am.
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