How I’ve Blossomed After Being Single for a Year The Trials of Rediscovery, Comfortability, Standards, Forgiveness, and Being Thankful
Topics Warning – (Briefly covers topics on a past relationship that involved manipulation and controlling aspects, however doesn’t go into specific details)
Relationships are something everyone wants to have. We go through some good ones, and some bad ones, but no matter how they end, they make us grow as individuals. It has been just over a year since my former partner and I broke up and here is what I’ve learned since then.
Growing up I didn’t have too many relationships, let alone serious ones, but my sophomore year of college I fell in love with a person and we dated for a little over half a year. Now a year later, with no contact with that person, I can say I am grateful for where I am today because I grew back into someone that I once lost, who I personally was.
It is often true that when you get into a relationship you change and sometimes that means you change who you are for someone else. You tend to sometimes put some of your hobbies and interests aside. While that can be good to expand and learn more about what your partner likes, it can lead you to put your favorite aspects of life in the shadows or out of reach than before. For some time in my experience, I saw it as I was caring, rather than questioning why we didn’t do anything I brought up.
When I got out of this relationship, it was as if I was a little lost for a while on what I liked. Not because I didn’t have hobbies or interests, but because I didn’t take part in what I used to love before. Around this same season, I also made the tough decision to transfer to a different university, so it just felt like a lot was changing at once, but it would eventually work out.
As time passed, I rekindled my passions. I was once again enjoying hobbies like walking, dancing, writing, and reading. Things I took a break from for quite some time. I had a love for these things since I was younger and it felt like I had let her free again, the once younger version of myself. Though instead of a little girl, it was now a young woman with more wisdom and more experience in life, on where to navigate her ideas. Not to say I do have life figured out, but I would say I know a lot more about reality and what I want in life at 21 than when I was 11.
For example, at 11, I wanted to be an actress or a singer and be married to any boy band member of the early 2010s like One Direction. However, now at 21, I would rather teach individuals about the love for writing, and reading, or just put out some pieces of my own. As for marriage, I don’t think about it as much as society would want me to and have expanded my options on who I like. Perhaps instead of choosing a guy from a boy band, I could have the option of a girl from a trio, like boygenius.
This leads into my next part where being single for a year leads me to come to terms with my own sexuality more and be comfortable with it. Now I think in terms of who you are attracted to, this can become very eye-opening when you are single because there is “plenty of fish in the sea.” In my position, being single for a year has taught me to become more comfortable being out publicly as a bisexual woman.
I grew up in a more conservative town, but when I came to college I just told people if they asked that I was bisexual. It might seem odd that I came out to friends I barely knew, then family and friends from my first 18 years, but back home I didn’t have a space where I could grow. I started to become more comfortable with it, but during my past relationship, I was halted for a moment for two reasons. One was the societal feeling of having to “pick a side,” as well as the individual I was with seemed to feel uncomfortable with me being able to say my sexuality.
If you also are bisexual, you might have been asked jokingly or seriously, “You can’t pick a side?” or “Well, are you one or the other?” With that being a constant question, it wasn’t that I was scared to answer those questions, but rather annoyed and over it. It just felt odd to me that someone would come up to me and ask that, given I’m not asking them the same about their sexual preference, especially in a public setting. Though again, it is no one’s business except their own. So dealing with that constant knowledge of what you will be asked was why it took me a while to become more comfortable. As for the other reason, the individual I was with was said to be accepting, however constantly asked me if I would leave him for a woman, almost as if he thought I was going to, and got a little awkward if topics of relationships with the same sex were brought up in any pop culture sense.
Today, I think I am the most comfortable I’ve been with my sexuality. I came out to my family in September, but in a comedic way, by doing it in the same post as me announcing I went to a Yung Gravy concert. I realized that being able to be single showed me that I was going to advocate better for myself in relationships because in cases like these, it is important I tell future partners to know I’m bisexual. Not in a way to have to immediately let them know, but because it might allow you to see if they will be able to have full respect in the relationship that could be starting. However, remember if you are not out yet, to take your process as fast or slow as you would like. It also just let me set myself standards and boundaries that I didn’t think of previously but needed to be.
This swings to the next lesson of my blossoming, learning to give myself standards and boundaries going forward. You might know the term, “rose-colored glasses.” However, if you don’t, it serves as a way that when we “wear” these glasses, we don’t see the faults. We might not notice them, but others around us might. It isn’t until we get out of that situation or a different view that we too see what is beyond the rose-colored glasses
In my experience, when I was in a past relationship, I had these on. Some would tell me that there were faults at hand from my partner, but I would see it as someone mistakenly taking it a different way or route that was unclear. They were correct in the end, and although difficult to find that out, you learn to give yourself more going forward. For me, in a year I learned to give future partners standards that they had to respect me in my appearance physically and internally. For example, they could not control what I wore or if you had a different opinion that’s fine, but you would have to be willing to listen to my side, rather than just acknowledge yours.
I wish I could hug myself a year ago, tell her she would be fine, tell her she would feel confident in wearing what she wants, or be able to feel confident in what she speaks on, even if at the time she didn’t feel it. Today, I walk into each day more aligned with myself, in who I am. Putting those standards and boundaries of what I wanted took time for me to think about, but were important because it has allowed me to grow into a better me today.
The last and final aspect of what I have found a year out of being single is to forgive and be thankful. Forgiveness is something that is hard for many reasons and for many ways. In my scenario, I had to forgive that individual and myself for my own sake and it took some time to lean into forgiveness.
My past partner, to put it simply, was overall an overbearing, controlling, manipulative individual. He may have caused a lot of caution I have now regarding who I interact with, but I had to forgive his character in order for myself to move forward. Again, not to say you have to, but in my experience, it has been a step that was hard, some days I struggle with it, but continue it because I have to keep going past it. I also want to acknowledge that when I say this, it does not mean you have to physically forgive them, I mean in the sense of your mind.
I then also had to forgive myself. Forgive me for how hard she was on herself during and after the relationship. Forgive her for being angered that she was blinded because she was in love. Forgive herself because sometimes it’s hard to see how bad things are unless you are the one on the outside.
Once I forgave, I found the area of being thankful. Once I went through the motions like a roller coaster, forgave, and started to build again, I rediscovered what I have become thankful for. Today I am thankful for the group of new individuals I found, for the ones who stayed my friends after this, and for the ones I found who went through similar situations. I am thankful that I no longer have to say no to friends or hang out because it will turn into an argument. I am thankful I can wear what I want without an unnecessary lecture. I am thankful that a year later I would know that I was loved by many and don’t have to prove myself to do so. Overall I have become thankful for finding who I was again, my spark, my wit, my personality, something that I thought was once gone.
And lastly, if for some reason the individual who led me to this path ever reads this, I have two things to say. One, thank you for teaching and allowing me to know how to treat myself better and blossom into a stronger individual. Two, I don’t wish you any bad harm, but rather only to grow so that no one else will have to learn the same way I did, life will continue to be miserable if you are to just not grow yourself.