The Complexities of Self-Trust and the Path to Inner Confidence
Has it ever happened that a statement heard from someone or a question encountered in passing, left you wondering about something so hard?
And despite continuously pondering about it you reach nowhere but get sucked into a black hole that leaves you disappointed in yourself, self-loathing.
Seems familiar, doesn’t it?
Happens to me too!
Three months ago, I embarked on a transformative journey by stepping into the therapy world. Each session has been a voyage into the depths of my thoughts, feelings, and the intricate web of my mind. Some days I exit the room floating, with a bounce in my steps, humming ‘Dance Monkey’, happy out of my mind but some days are rough, which follow me crying in the washroom before going back home, heart heavy inside my chest. Since starting, I have become more aware of my patterns and behaviours, and I have started gaining insight into why I believe and do what I do. I’ve also gained the courage to challenge myself and take risks I once thought impossible. However, one session, in particular, left me grappling with a question that lingered long after the therapy room door closed behind me. I felt overwhelmed and scared to the core of the answer I would find if I looked. I truly looked inside me and was more scared of the possibility if I didn’t see any, but I knew I had to keep trying and pushing forward.
The question some would think trivial and easy was: “Do I trust myself?”
My immediate answer was most definitely YES!, I mean who doesn’t right? Everyone trusts themselves as they should. We are told at every twist and turn of our lives that we should always be confident in ourselves and believe in ourselves and this and that.
What if I do believe in myself, I do have confidence in myself and yes, I even have faith in myself
BUT
I don’t trust myself. At least not when it comes to me.
I trust myself to be a good friend. I trust myself to be empathetic to others. I trust myself to help those who are in need. I trust myself to praise the good, and beauty in others. I trust myself to stand with others in their hard times.
There was the twist, you see. My therapist posed this question with a gentle curiosity that both intrigued and unnerved me. It wasn’t about whether others could trust me, or if I could trust others or if I could trust myself when it came to myself; it was a probing inquiry into the core of self-reliance. What, she asked, could I trust myself with me?
At that moment, my mind drew a blank, and I found myself unable to pinpoint even a single thing. The challenge was clear – not what I could be trusted with regarding others, but what I could trust myself with about myself. It was internal scrutiny that demanded honesty and self-reflection.
In the weeks that followed, I delved into this question, attempting to unravel the layers of my self-trust. To my surprise, and at times, my dismay, I struggled to identify a single aspect.
Could I trust myself to be a good friend to me? I doubt it.
Could I trust myself to be kind to myself? The answer seemed elusive.
Could I trust myself to say that I am as beautiful as I am? I am my biggest critic.
Could I trust myself to make sound decisions for myself when no one else is supporting me? The reality was stark – a resounding ‘No’ echoed in my thoughts.
As I grappled with this revelation, a broader question emerged – “Do others face a similar struggle with self-trust?” It became a persistent inquiry, weaving its way through my daily contemplations. I began to wonder if the difficulty I faced trusting myself was a shared experience, a common thread woven into the fabric of human introspection.
The concept of self-trust, I realised, extends beyond mere affirmations. It involves an intimate understanding of one’s capabilities and a belief that one can navigate the complexities of life with a steadfast reliance on personal judgment. But what happens when this trust falters or is non-existent?
The demands of daily life, societal expectations, and the ever-present internal critic can erode the foundation of self-reliance. The struggle to trust oneself, it seems, is a shared human experience.
Who set the rules?
Since when is it necessary to be perfect?
Are the ones who expect us to mould within a structure, themselves fit in? Or is it just something they’ve always known to be correct because that’s what they were told too?
As I continue to navigate this path, I am reminded that self-trust is not a destination but an ongoing exploration. It is a journey within, marked by self-discovery and growing confidence. It requires introspection, self-compassion, and a commitment to understanding the intricacies of one’s mind.
My motive to write this piece is to ensure every individual out there that it’s OK. Knowing that you tend to get harsh with yourself at times, you are your critic, that you cannot accept everything your mind tells you, it’s all fine. This is called being aware and it doesn’t make you broken or damaged.
The Golden Phase, where everything works smoothly and in sync, you’ll get there someday. Or maybe you won’t. But that’s not important. What is important is that you try.
Life is a journey to be experienced, not a problem to be solved.
So don’t sit holding your head in your hands but hold it high, and enjoy!
The journey to rebuilding self-trust is a process fraught with challenges, but it is a journey worth undertaking.
Apeksha Arya