I never used to understand when the adults around me would say that falling in love is scary. “It’s the greatest thing in the world,” I would proclaim. And in return I’d receive the sentiment, “Oh you are so naive,” in the form of a smile and a head tilt before the conversation continued on about something else.
I have always believed that there is nothing more remarkable about humans than our ability to love. I have been extremely lucky to have always received love abundantly throughout my life, in the form of friends, family, and community. Because of that (and the influence of a million rom coms and a strong desire to be just like the characters Julia Roberts plays) all my life I have wanted to fall in love, and to be able to share my love with someone else.
How could falling in love possibly be scary? I would wonder.
The magic dance of getting to know someone and the first time your hands graze each others. The flutter in your chest every time their name pops up on your phone. The exchanged vulnerability leading to wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with them. Having someone who was once a stranger become your favourite person. Telling one another everything about your past and all that you hope to be. Sharing your weird quirks and traditions, with the hopes that they will one day be something you do together in your future. The idea of knowing someone on such an intimate level and in a way that no one else knows them like you do.
To me, falling in love is one of the greatest things that could ever happen to a person.
And then one day it did happen to me. And I fell very hard. And when you are completely swept-off-your-feet-deeply-madly-in-love with someone, the idea of it ever coming to an end does not even cross your mind. And if it does, it usually is so that you can form some sort of contingency plan in your head or become acquainted with a witchcraft ritual of sorts to ensure it never happens.
But I get it now.
Falling in love is terrifying. Because if it ends, it will be one of the most painful things you will ever go through.
I experienced my very first heartbreak months ago now, and it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. It has been incredibly confusing and painful. A dull ache rested in my chest for a long time. “I didn’t know a heart could feel so heavy,” I would think to myself.
While break ups are sad and complex, I am so very grateful it happened.
We are a collection of everything we have ever experienced. If I didn’t lose him, I would not have come home to myself. All the pain from this heartbreak has led me to grow into the person I currently am, and I have never felt closer to myself than I do now. All of this unforeseen change has shifted my perspective on life; I have reevaluated what is important to me in friendships and relationships, I have found new hobbies and passions, and have felt more secure in the path that I am on. I have discovered what is important to me and what is not.
And as a hopeless romantic, who is still very much in love with love, I thought I’d share some things that I have learnt over these past few months, just in case it helps somebody else (and at the very least, writing this has been quite therapeutic).
These are some gentle reminders for those of you with a broken heart, things I wish I could go back and tell the version of myself who was afraid that there was no other love like the one I once had.
Love is a verb, not a noun
While you can have love for someone, the truest meaning of the word lies in action.
I have always loved through action, taking action rooted in love with the people I adore. I never understood when people would discuss the difference between ‘love’ and being ‘in love’ because to love is to act. To love someone is to choose them everyday and show up for them however you can, even on the hard days. Love is choosing to work through the harder moments, regardless of how uncomfortable it may seem. It is doing what you can to make their days easier. Love is making their birthday special and celebrating their achievements as though they are your own. It is surprise flowers and treats on a random Wednesday, and when they ask, “What is this for,” you simply respond with “Because I love you.” It is doing your best to continually understand them. Love is being curious about them and their thoughts, even if you have been together for years.
Being in love is an act of devotion to someone. It is demonstrated through will, desire and gesture.
In her novel all about love, bell hooks discusses love as a manifestation of actions. “We would all love better,” she writes, “if we used it as a verb.”
Find yourself someone who treats love as a verb.
Someone’s love is to experience, not to own
You do not own anyone. Someone’s love for you is given because they choose to love you. The truth is that one day someone can decide to stop choosing you, and you will just have to be okay. Yes it hurts to stop being chosen by someone you would choose indefinitely, but your worth and your value is not deemed by the people who choose to love you, your worth comes from how you view yourself.
Love and relationships function in chapters. Sometimes people exist within a single chapter of your life, while others exist in many. Humans are meant to connect with others and you will experience so many connections in this lifetime, all so different from the one that came before. We are meant to love, sure, but we are also meant to lose because that is just how things go.
Things do not need to be permanent to be beautiful and the value of your love is not stored in permanence.
Just because you want to be with someone forever does not mean you are meant to. Experience love as it comes and do not feel the need to possess or own. What is meant for you will stay, so in the meantime, enjoy all the love that you can get.
Regardless of how it may feel, you meant something to them
At my lowest points I struggled with the thought that he had forgotten all about me. “How could I be so forgettable,” I thought as I allowed myself to create this narrative in my head that I did not mean anything to him. As the distance between us grew I felt as if he never thought about me. But that isn’t true. Regardless of how long or how in love you were with someone, at some point in time, you were extremely important to them. Just because you don’t speak anymore or are no longer a part of one another’s lives, does not mean that you meant nothing to them. Do not let your brain create unnecessary hurt.
I still think about my high school ex-boyfriend from time to time. When a song comes on that reminds me of him, I smile and hope he is well. I think about old friends that I have lost touch with when my new friends mention things that remind me of them, and I wonder what they are up to now. I even think of one of my Hinge matches from the summertime and wonder if they ever got that job they were hoping for.
So the same thing is applied here. When the heartbreak heals and the thought of him no longer lingers, I will be reminded of him in the form of a catch phrase or a song or a passerby, and I will acknowledge that we loved one another for a year and the both of us will always remember that. Forever.
Healing is an act of communion
As bell hooks once said, “Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion.”
The people in my life picked up the pieces of a broken heart that they were not responsible for, and through all the sadness, confusion and pain that comes with losing someone you love, I discovered a deeper kind of love between I and the people closest to me, as well as within myself.
When a heart breaks, it takes a community of people to put it back together as it would be too heavy a lift for one person to carry on their own. Healing from something is not done in isolation; it is done with people who remind you who you are and that you belong, and can offer you some comfort through sharing their own experiences.
There was love and support around me immediately. There was love in my girlfriends picking up my phone calls as soon as it happened. There is love in holding me as I sobbed. There is love in the car rides and dinners out, the home cooked meals and coffee dates. There is love in the random check-ins and sending me quotes and TikToks that remind me of my worth. It is in the sleepovers for those nights when I felt most alone but did not want to be. It is in listening to my reflections and realizations for hours on end, and sending me love at 2am when I need someone the most. It is in holding my hand and telling me that I am loved and showing up for me.
Exchanged vulnerability and the sharing of one another’s pain with the hopes that it will help someone you love move on, is something I will never take for granted. My friends and family opened up old wounds so that I would feel less alone as I healed my own. And in doing so I got to know them better than I did before.
Everything I have ever wanted in a partner, I now realize that it absolutely exists within my friends and my family. And the kind of love I once begged a boyfriend for, I have been freely given by the people in my life. There is beauty to be found in heartbreak and it lies in the blossoming of new relationships and the nourishing of existing ones.
To everyone who has helped me through this, I love you, more than you could ever know.
Just because you want to fix something does not mean you should
I think we are fed this narrative that if we try our best at something, pouring all of our energy into it, then things will always turn out how we want them to. But this isn’t true, especially with relationships. When you are in a relationship with someone, it takes the will and desire of two people to make it work (in addition to a few other circumstances). Sometimes people change their minds despite what you wanted. Sometimes you have the bandwidth to work at something but the other person does not. At the end of the day, you can love someone with your entire being and it still may not be enough, and that is okay. You cannot fix things by loving harder.
Reminder: someone else’s love for you should never define the amount of love you have for yourself.
To be in love is a privilege. And to be in love this young is something that not everyone gets to experience in their lifetime. I am so lucky to have met a boy at nineteen who showed me what I want in a life partner and what I could maybe do without. It was in that relationship that I learned a lot about myself – about the way I love, about the unhealed parts of me, about the way I care for another person and how love makes me feel. And I have learnt even more about myself throughout this breakup. I deserve a great love, and it is okay that it is not with him. We were simply just a chapter in one anothers stories and I will always remember him as my first love.
As for right now, my chapter is all about me. I do things for myself and my friends with love and care. I buy myself flowers and compliment myself in the mirror. I call my parents a lot more than I used to. I spend a lot of time alone these days and it feels special. There is magic in the solitude of single-hood and I couldn’t be more lucky to choose how to spend my time. After all, romantic love will find me again, and when it does I will let it in, just as Maya Angelou says: “have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.”