If you’ve ever gone through a breakup, you might have that one friend who gives you great advice like- it’s okay to let yourself feel your emotions while putting boundaries (such as, no contact), but if you’ve ever thought “easier said than done,” I would agree. Admittedly, I have been that friend, the one that gives advice, but I do know it is not easy to “bask in” these when going through pain. My friends may see me as someone who is content on her own and tries to not depend on others when I’m dealing with my problems but that hasn’t always been this way. I entered a pattern of codependent relationships, transitioning from one to the next until I realized that it was time to start healing myself. I came to realize that I was using relationships as a distraction from addressing my own issues. This led to a decision to cease seeking new partners and instead focus on addressing personal challenges, such as low self-esteem, difficulty with self-forgiveness and anxiety. Deciding to put an end to this and put myself first was just the start of my journey to healing, and if this sounds like you, here’s how you can start too.
Look for help
Some people can heal on their own, but in my case, I needed to go to therapy. Instead of dumping all my problems and draining the ones I loved, I would let a professional help me deal through my emotional mess.
Write your emotions
I started journaling, writing about my feelings, every bad thought, every impulse; writing out what the consequences of my impulses, which were often harmful or negative, helped me stop acting on them immediately…
Physical Activity
I had many issues with my body image, which is another reason I craved validation from someone, but once I started working out, not only with the purpose of “looking better”, but it also helped me feel more content, as working out releases endorphins, which helped me feel happy and stabilize my mood. This helped me regulate my anxiety, which has always been a major obstacle in my life.
Spend time with loved ones
Balance will always be key. When trying to find yourself, you don’t want to go to the point of isolation, which is why it is great to spend time with your friends, family, and even pets. I learned in this time to talk to them about my feelings without reaching the point where I would trauma dump. Honestly, it feels great to know how to deal with my feelings on my own, but also know that at the end of the day, I am not alone.
Listen to music
The second-best therapist, if not the first, is music (and poetry). It’s amazing to listen to stories made into different types of art, from someone you don’t even know, which makes you feel less alone. You realize that grief and love are such powerful feelings that lead people to create such beautiful things.
Solo Dates
Going to public places on my own really boosted this healing journey. It’s still funny to me that I would have never gone to the movies alone, but after this, you can catch me sitting alone in the movies eating a pint of ice cream, which sounds sad, but I am so content with my own company that I enjoy this. I even go to restaurants alone; if nobody wants to go to Denny’s with me, I’ll probably end up there alone eating a crazy sizzlin hot skillet or pancakes with the happiest face.
Provide for yourself
My love language has always been gift giving, so why not give things to myself. It is very important to save money, but occasionally it’s nice to please yourself. Knowing that I can provide for myself, is one of the most satisfying feelings in this world.
Validate yourself
Another love language I have is words of affirmation, explaining why I always craved so much validation. Sometimes it’s still hard to tell myself things, but I’m a believer that the more you practice something, the better you become. It just takes practice.. Giving yourself love and affirmation eventually gets easier, and you start believing and knowing your worth.
It’s crazy to realize that you can let go of trauma and to start loving yourself by applying your love languages to yourself. By having quality time with myself, affirming myself and supplying to myself, I have learned to love who I am more and more. My advice to you, the love that you want to receive and give, start by giving it to yourself. You want to be called beautiful? Say it to yourself. You want that beautiful Lego flower set? Buy it (whenever you can). You want to go to the beach but don’t have who to go with? Have that trip, buy your favorite snacks, and watch your favorite views.
Trust me, I know it is easier said than done. I’ve been on this journey for 3 years, and it is still a bit rocky, but you got this, I know that if you create the habit, eventually you’ll learn to feel content with yourself without needing anyone else in your life.