“You apologize a lot!”
That’s a sentence many of us, myself included, hear often. Apologizing is an easy way to fill the silence when we don’t know what to say— whether that’s while walking through a crowd, asking a question in class, or even starting a conversation. Studies have shown that it’s especially common for women to fall into this habit. Because this is such a common issue to struggle with, we have become desensitized to the harm it poses, and the long-term implications these habits have on our self identities.
Excessive apologies are often indicative of unhealthy thought processes. Many people do this when they feel self-conscious or anxious, rather than because they genuinely did something wrong. This habit can also feel like a way to appease others before they become angry, but in reality, many of the things overthinkers apologize for wouldn’t even elicit anger in the first place. Poet Claudia Rankine puts this thought process to paper: “In my dream I apologize to everyone I meet. Instead of introducing myself, I apologize for not knowing why I am alive. I am sorry. I am sorry.” I always felt this quote perfectly describes the guilt many of us feel simply for existing. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, and when we can’t meet them, we feel as though we’ve let down the people around us. Though an element of this relates to being overly invested in other people’s feelings, it is also arguably self-centered to assume that everyone is holding us to the same expectations we hold ourselves to. When we apologize too often, we present ourselves as unconfident and undermine our own abilities. It can also take value away from our true apologies, as “sorry” becomes something people around us get used to needlessly hearing.
The endless cycle of over-apologizing harms everyone involved, but ending it is definitely easier said than done. However, many people have been offering a change in perspective to help with this: next time you find yourself about to apologize, find a way to thank the other person instead. After venting to a friend, instead of feeling guilty for expressing your emotions, you can thank them for listening. Shifting this framework makes conversations easier for both people involved. You are able to avoid the spiral of overthinking, and in turn, the other person feels appreciated rather than uncomfortable. Both parties are able to approach the interaction in a positive light.
As I’ve started making this swap in my own life, I have been surprised at how my state of mind can turn a complete 180. Instead of feeling worried about how I’m perceived, I feel happy to show the people around me that I am grateful for them. Centering my focus on how other people are feeling rather than how they see me has made me realize that most of the things I apologize for aren’t as big as I make them out to be. I’m able to stay in the moment and enjoy positive conversations more.
Shifting your mindset not only helps your personal relationships flourish, but it can improve the way you conduct yourself professionally and socially as well. As you learn to embrace your strengths rather than putting yourself down, other people will recognize your talents as well. You can be humble and cooperative without having to treat yourself as inferior. And unfortunately, many people will not treat you well unless you treat yourself well first.
Recognizing your unnecessary apologies and remedying them is a long journey with both highs and lows. It’s important to treat yourself with compassion and be your own friend as you work through this. Recognize that many of the unhealthy thought processes are products of your society and environment, not personal faults. This should be a process of gratitude, not shame. Learning to put the needless guilt behind you will open endless doors to connection, growth, and self-love.
