As a shameless enjoyer of all things pop culture, I’ve come across a fair number of male fictional characters who I would gladly marry. Some of them range from the supernatural and strange all the way to the most boring-looking guy you’ve ever seen. My taste in fictional men is hard to track when the only bar they have to pass is being in a media I’m consuming and being conventionally attractive to me (definitely not to others). In my entire lifetime, I’ve obsessed over characters like Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians, Prince Naveen from Princess and the Frog, and Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds.
As time has passed, I’ve kept a note of fictional crushes of past, present, and future. Some have aged well and others haven’t, and I think that’s okay. Below is a list of six fictional crushes of my lifetime that I have loved but would probably swipe left on if I saw them on Tinder.
- Miguel O’Hara from Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
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I feel like this is sort of a no-brainer. Oscar Isaac’s voice brought this brooding, hot villain to life, and I sing his praises constantly. However, if I ever met this hulking-size supervillain with a huge chip on his shoulder and ended up on his bad side, I’d likely have a restraining order out on him within a day.
- Edward cullen from The Twilight Saga
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I would absolutely never date someone who can read minds. Even if I was like Bella and he couldn’t read my mind, the fact that he could tell me what someone else is thinking is a temptation that I know I wouldn’t be able to resist. It’s already hard enough as a girl fighting the thought that everyone hates you; having a partner to confirm or deny that would do irreversible psychological damage.
- Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender
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Hold your fire. I can already hear people telling me that he had a good character arc in the show, and I totally agree. The reason why I’d probably avoid this guy like the plague is that he literally wields fire. Younger me loved him so much. But now, looking back, I see that he has the potential to burn me to a crisp if he so much as sneezes wrong. I was not, and still am not, a water bender like Katara, so I don’t think 13-year-old me was built for that life.
- Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries
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This is the biggest “duh” on the list. This man was the biggest menace in the earlier seasons of the show. He had to grow on me to even make it on this list. Yet the point still stands. Damon has a violent death count, and thus, I wouldn’t even consider letting him into my home. He wasn’t a vigilante or anything; he was just causing problems for the fun of it.
- the Darkling from Shadow and Bone
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I’m a sucker for a fantasy villain, but I can also recognize when a character is just a terrible person. It’s important to realize that The Darkling would make a terrible boyfriend even without him being textbook evil. Spoiler alert: I fear people who are excellent liars. To pretend to be someone else for decades isn’t something that I could do without slipping up a bunch of times.
- Suguru Geto from Jujutsu Kaisen
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This man hates people who aren’t sorcerers. That’s his whole thing. I am not on a mission to fix him because I know I wouldn’t be the exception. We’d never break up because we’d never even start dating. Enough said.
All in all, this painful realization doesn’t stop me from still swooning over some of these guys. Maybe if I was living in their world, I’d have no issue ignoring some glaringly obvious issues. In this world, being a fangirl has taught me to constantly suspend my disbelief and ignore a sea of red flags.
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