As both a woman and a sex educator, I believe that women should have sex when they are ready and excited to. Whether that be the moment you meet someone or never, either decision is awesome if it is consensual and pleasurable. But navigating college when you want sex on a particular timeline can be challenging.
I find that a lot of straight women would prefer to hit a middle ground with the timing of sex. Not quite sex on the first date, but also not a waiting-for-marriage vibe. Though this may seem normal to the generations preceding us, it has become increasingly hard to find men who are interested in the same.
I’m the friend that everyone comes to for sex and relationship advice, so this is my experience being a woman who wants sex at a medium pace. If you are struggling, maybe you can learn something from it. It’s not exactly a science, but dating is something I have worked hard to understand, and my thoughts might just help you.
Men, they seem to be the root of most of the dating issues I’ve ever had. It feels like nine out of 10 guys will bang you without even taking you on a date if you are down. The other 10% are the embodiment of Christian Mingle. Neither of these options worked for my personal plans.
Yes, the field looks hot on the outside and glum on the inside, but that’s college. Despite the foggy outlook, hope has not yet been lost. So, when I was on the dating scene, this is how I played the game. I asked people on dates. Sounds simply stupid, but out of the men who would probably bang you on the first date, there is certainly a percentage in there that would be interested in more than that. There is also a percentage that sees you as a hole. To weed out who is who, I say, “Take me on a date.” If they are down, then that’s great, and if not then you did a great job weeding him out.
This method is great because you get to go on dates that a guy might not have instigated on his own. It additionally stops any confusion about intent. If you’re into someone, make it clear! It also sucks because I like to be asked on dates, and I bet you do too. But for me, I’d rather ask people on dates than never go on one at all. It also sucks because you’ll probably get rejected quite a bit if you do it as regularly as I did. I tried to keep in mind the thought that every rejection is one step closer to the right guy. I wouldn’t have even half as much of the dating experience I have if I hadn’t just put myself out there. It helped me learn the types of men I like, and I gained a lot of confidence.
Now let’s say you’ve snagged a date, and he wants to have sex. Maybe he expects it after the first date, or maybe it’s months in and you just aren’t there yet. It can be really hard to set boundaries, especially if he’s nice and you’re attracted to him. For most of us, nobody has taught us how to establish sexual boundaries. It’s never something we practiced, but we should practice it.
In high school, I had a teacher who made us sit down and write ways to enforce a boundary if somebody wasn’t on the same page. I wrote, “I’m not comfortable having sex tonight, let’s see where our relationship goes and check in about that in the future.” Then I practiced saying it over and over. Try it. I swear it’s helpful.
Even though I had my boundaries set, and I practiced them, it doesn’t mean I didn’t mess up or swerve directions occasionally. I absolutely did. That’s okay as long as you are happy. But ultimately knowing your own boundaries and finding a partner that can meet you there is important.
What happens if a guy can’t meet you there? What happens if he says, “Sex tonight or I’m leaving!” Well, ladies that is called sexual coercion so good riddance!
From what I have heard, guys get better as they age. Lord knows if that is true. What I do know is that despite the odds, in college there are some good eggs in the bunch that can make dating really fun. So, if you are like me, and sex and dating are priorities, then stick with it on a mutual timeline. Though collegiate men can be hard to work with, they can also be super lovely. I promise there are guys that are willing and even excited to wait for a gem like you! Just be confident about what you want, and your limitations and you are golden!