To celebrate national eating disorder week, I wanted to remind the girls who question their own beauty they aren’t alone.
One morning, when I was thirteen, I woke up and looked in the mirror. I stared at my hair, wondering if it was straight enough, if it was just the right blonde to brown ratio, if it made me look maybe, just slightly, a year older than I was. The next day, I did it again. And again, and again. Sooner or later, this ritual of the mirror became a ritual of self-destruction. By the time I was fifteen, I was staring at my stomach. By age sixteen, it was my thighs. By seventeen, it was the fat found under my armpit and the loose skin under my chin. Eighteen came and I looked in the mirror wondering how I could go back.
What I didn’t see in that mirror was the girl who found joy in baking brownies with her older sister, eating batter as they sat on the countertop reminiscing about all the parts of their childhood that seemed to be the end of the world. I forgot about the girl who bonded with her future brother in law over sourdough and cheese, and the girl who became best friends with the new hallmate from Georgia because they couldn’t handle the spicy jalapeño on a pizza found in the common room of their dorm. What I lost in that mirror were the moments food fed my heart, just as much as it fed my body.
I occasionally still find myself in this loop of self-destruction. Escaping a society that puts so much emphasis on appearance is the most challenging obstacle one can face. I’m not going to sit behind this computer, lying to you that I’ve overcome the constant comparison of instagram feeds, or the rush of defeating thoughts as I put on an old pair of jeans. However, I have learned it is possible. That is, to silent the storm.
Life is much more than what my thirteen year old self stared at in the mirror that morning. When you realize that your body holds the ability to give you life, to give you memories with your closest friends and family, to give you the chance to experience the depth of love, you realize that it deserves more than the constant shame you seem to be giving it. Our relationship with our bodies is allowed to be complicated. However, I urge you to ground yourself in the fact that your body does deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved.
Over 29 million Americans will experience an eating disorder in their lifetime*, and many more experience body image anxiety. If you take anything from this, take this: you are not alone, there is comfort and safety in community, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Love who you are,
and thank your body for allowing you to be exactly who that is.