Content warning: This piece discusses sexual assault. It takes so much courage, let alone vulnerability, to think about rebuilding a healthy relationship with sex after being sexually assaulted (SA). Healing from sexual trauma is a journey that demands immense strength and compassion, especially within the confines of a college setting where a pressuring hookup culture is the norm, and discussions about sex can sometimes lack the depth and sensitivity needed for survivors.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to acknowledge that every survivor’s journey is unique. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing. It’s okay to take things at your own pace and prioritize your comfort and well-being above all else. Your agency and empowerment lie at the heart of this process. Surrounding yourself with people who validate your experiences and offer unconditional support can provide a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation.
Ultimately, it’s important for you to know that you’re not defined by what happened to you. There is hope for healing and reclaiming your sexuality on your own terms. You deserve to have fulfilling and joyful experiences, and with time, patience, support, and some expert tips, you can rebuild a healthy relationship with sex that honors your needs and desires. So, I spoke to sex and relationship therapist Dr. Debra “Deb” Laino about how to rebuild a healthy relationship with sex after experiencing SA.
Take time to identify Emotional and Psychological Hurdles.
Unlocking the power of understanding trauma can be so empowering. “This step is important to help manage emotions, such as shame and guilt, as well as anger and resentment- set realistic goals, re-learning a healthy perspective, and learning self-compassion,” says Dr. Laino. Diving into how trauma impacts sexuality is key and recognizing how it can affect your own life can help you reclaim a satisfying sexual life.
Even though there might be that rollercoaster for feelings of anxiety, fear, and shame of intimacy, exploring some of those emotional and psychological hurdles can really help navigate your journey more positively.
Communicate with your partner(s).
Feeling comfortable and secure in our own bodies and in intimate relationships again should be a top priority. “When a person meets someone after sexual assault is important to go slowly and establish trust and safety,” Laino assures. “Communication is important also to establish trust and safety.” Establishing open and honest communication with your new partner is key in navigating boundaries and ensuring that you feel safe and respected in all future sexual encounters.
College is a time of exploration, where understanding our boundaries and desires is important. And there are plenty of safe and comfortable ways to do this that respect your pace. The ultimate goal in your sex life is finding what feels right for you, so take your time and trust your gut if something doesn’t feel right.
“Fear and lack of control are two big obstacles after sexual trauma,” says Laino. “Having safety will also be on the top of the list as often feelings of safety are taken away for survivors.”
Explore your sexuality on your own terms — and with your own body.
Reconnecting with sexuality might seem a little scary at first, but it’s all about taking it easy on yourself. “Making sure that you do not blame yourself for what has happened is imperative,” Laino says. It’s important to feel empowered and safe as you explore your more sexual side. Take small steps and remember to be kind to yourself along the way.
Take some time to explore self-care and healing options. Try out whatever feels most comfortable and pleasurable to you. There are numerous exercises and fun activities we can try to rediscover pleasure and feel more in control of our sexual experiences. “Understanding that we own our bodies is imperative,” shares Laino. Your body belongs to you, so honor it through gentle exploration.
Find a Support system.
Seeking support from some of the most trustworthy people in your life is crucial in this process. Whether it’s a close friend, a counselor, or a support group specifically for SA survivors, having a safe space to share your feelings and experiences can make all the difference. You don’t have to go through this alone. “A trauma-informed therapist is important to help with processing these emotions and the experience(s),” adds Laino.
Through confidential or communal resources on and off campus, you can find support and guidance if you’re struggling with sexual relationships, or even if you’re feeling overwhelmed or lost.
Healing Over Time
Healing and long-term growth take time, especially during our college years, and it’s okay to have some setbacks along the way. “Do not set a time limit for yourself as that can put pressure on healing,” says Laino. “Some people will bounce back more quickly and others it could take years. Every day, work a bit on owning your body, creating a routine (this can be helpful with overwhelming feelings), having a good support group, finding things you enjoy again.”
As you navigate some of the realistic expectations of healing from sexual trauma, celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and the pleasure that comes with rebuilding a healthy relationship with sex.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.