Not long ago, I wrote a poem that, in one of the verses, said: “I don’t know if I should have to solve the world at 20. I just know that’s how it is.” I stand by that. Your twenties are that moment when everything is starting at once—or, if not starting, becoming serious: social life, academics, work, relationships… Being 20 is essentially about balancing friendships, finding a partner, making your family proud, graduating, getting a permanent position at your internship, all while dealing with the pressures of a patriarchal society that demands we always look beautiful, stay slim and happy, keep our mental health in check, and not let any of it fall apart. Whew!
I was 20 years old. I will not let anyone say that these are the best years of your life
French writer Paul Nizan (1905-1940)
And if it wasn’t easy in the past century, with the rise of the out-of-time-and-space world that is social media, everything has become even more overwhelming. Young people are now also influenced by other young people, who post the perfect frames of their lives and constantly leave you with the impression that you’re falling behind. And with the arrival of Covid-19—right in our turn—the already complicated situation of those in their “early twenties” worsened.
Agnès Bardon wrote in the magazine The UNESCO Courier in June 2021: “At the age when connections with the world and with other people are being established, those under 25 – who represent almost 40% of the world’s population – are seeing their dreams seriously affected by the health crisis.” So, in a generation shaped by standards, stereotypes, social networks, a pandemic, and all the other challenges that surround being 20, what should take priority in our minds? I’ll tell you what I’ve discovered recently.
Oh! It’s important to consider that I, the one writing this article from my perspective, am a 22-year-old white, middle-class woman. It’s essential to distinguish between race and social class when understanding the privileges that shape what matters in a given reality!
IT’S OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
Although your twenties are the discovery phase, let’s be honest—there’s a subtle pressure to know exactly what to do with our lives. Choose a college major, start at a company with growth in mind, last chance to form lifelong friendships… But what if those eternal plans don’t last forever?
The truth is, contrary to what we think, our twenties are precisely the time to discover and rediscover our dreams and goals. Maybe you’ll realize that the college major that seemed perfect for you isn’t actually that perfect. But imagine having to venture into a new academic world while also supporting a household and a family? The second decade of life represents the exact moment where there aren’t responsibilities big enough (depending on your socioeconomic reality, of course) to prevent you from starting over.
So, maybe you don’t want to change your friendships out of fear of not knowing who could be the godparents of your imaginary child? Or perhaps you don’t want to give up that fifth semester of college that you hate just to avoid disappointing your family? Maybe the idea of quitting that internship at an amazing company that you dislike doesn’t even cross your mind because you’re afraid of not finding another opportunity as good? Relax! Remember that you’re at the exact moment where—with awareness—you’re allowed to change your mind.
Try making a list of pros and cons, asking for the opinion of those close to you and your therapist, and conversing with yourself about your desires. Deep down, you know what the right decision is. But, if you thought that maybe it was the right decision and now doesn’t make sense anymore, remember: it’s okay to change your mind!
AND WHEN A DREAM DIES?
You’ve dreamed your whole life about that course, at that university, that would prepare you for that career… And suddenly, you realize that you hate all of it. Take it easy; seeing a dream lose its meaning doesn’t signify the end of the world! Remember when I said your twenties are the age of possibilities? This is the exact moment when you put all your self-awareness to the test and explore new paths that open up for you.
If an internship opportunity arises that you would never have considered, try applying! Look for videos, books, podcasts, and topics that interest you—use the algorithm to your advantage!—and use those interests as fuel to find the field you truly love. Remember: despite the pressures, the fears, and the feeling that the world is ending, you’re only twenty. There’s still a lot of water flowing to under that bridge. Dreams are something you build, and no one remains dreamless forever. Be open to possibilities; maybe your next dream is just around the corner, and you haven’t seen it yet.
EAT ME AND, THEN, DRINK ME
Remember the movie Alice in Wonderland when the protagonist eats that enchanted cake labeled “Eat Me” and grows to be bigger than a two-story house? Generally, our problems are viewed this way: disproportionate. For instance, the end of a relationship will always be painful, but it’s not the end of your life as it may seem right now. Neither is an unexpected dismissal, a bad grade on a test, nor a delayed R$ 200 bill from Shein.
I know it feels like your life is defined right now, but believe me, it’s not. Try to rationalize your feelings to understand their true dimension. To do this, you can write down everything that happens to you in a journal or talk to that friend who is 100% brain and almost no heart. Thinking about your anxieties rationally shows what the actual problem is, and if it’s a problem, it has a solution.
Will you remember this in 5 years? Will it still be a dividing issue in your life? Think of it this way: if a problem has a solution, it’s not a problem, just something to be solved. If a problem doesn’t have a solution, it’s also not a problem, because if it can’t be solved, there’s no need to worry about it. Of course, in practice, it’s hard to apply this exercise every day. But next time you find yourself desperate over adversity, try to think about it as rationally as possible. You have the “Drink Me” potion that shrinks Alice in your hands. Use it on your problems without moderation.
NOTHING BAD LASTS FOREVER
Besides being gigantic, the problem also seems eternal, right? The excruciating pain of missing an ex is usually like that. It feels like you’ll never find anyone again, never be happy again, and in some cases, not even be able to get out of bed. But life insists on going on despite the problems, and you need to keep living. Until you realize that, hey, you even did your skincare this morning!
Going through the end of a chapter can be distressing. But hey, remember the central theme of this text? I know you’ve heard it from everyone, and it drives you crazy, but it’s true: you’re only 20 years old! So many people will cross your path, and so many good—and bad—things will still happen, and that’s not discouraging at all! Maybe you should consider how wonderful it can be to let the future surprise you.
Think of how many stories you’ll have to tell, how many people you’ll meet, and how many amazing things you’ll learn. This, in fact, is the main point: use the pain of endings to learn something for your life. What will you no longer accept? And where should you have given in? What will your goals be moving forward? Celebrate the endings because, in the end, every ending means a new beginning. There’s a brand-new chapter of your life book starting right now! What will you do with it?
LIMITS EXIST TO BE IMPOSED
No. That little word can be hard to say, right? But “no” exists and can—should!—be used. If your friend has crossed boundaries, if your partner has neglected the relationship, if your boss has been a bit of a jerk, or if you have to study for 7 exams, and 15 tasks, and your mom still asks you to pick up your little brother from his friend’s house, maybe it’s time to set a limit.
Only you know when the discomfort becomes too much. Contrary to what people think, there’s nothing wrong with making it clear when someone (no matter how close or beloved) crosses a line that makes you uncomfortable. Just keep in mind that honesty without kindness is merely cruelty. But setting your boundaries with care and gentleness is a great power!
Respect your feelings. It’s not fair to yourself to invalidate what you think or feel. If there’s any feeling at all, it’s not because it’s paranoia, it’s without reason, it’s all right… No! If you’re feeling this way, it’s fair to respect your feelings and figure out what to do with them.
DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
Thinking quickly, this might seem like a very simple question to answer. But now, take 5 minutes to think about it: do you truly know yourself? Do you know your limits? Your interests? Your values? Your traumas, the ones that hurt the most, and that trap you in a personality skewed by pain?
The journey of self-discovery is not easy, but it is extremely necessary. And, to people’s surprise, it is also absolutely liberating. Knowing who you are determines who you will be to others, to the world, and to yourself—which is the most important.
Podcasts like “Bom Dia, Obvious” can be a good way to get to know yourself, through sensitive and interesting conversations on various topics, as they help you understand your own opinions. Therapy, meditation, and yoga are also excellent ways to connect with the person living inside you. Go out, exercise, allow yourself to enjoy good moments beyond studying and working, respect your limits, listen to your intuition… All these are ways to look inward and say: “Hey, I hear you, see you, and respect you.”
Many people might think that self-love is just about loving your body regardless of how it looks. And while that is partly true, self-love is much more. Try talking to yourself from time to time. Listen to your feelings, recognize them, and understand what to do with them. For example: what does your anxiety about next week’s exam say about you now? That you’re too hard on yourself? That you feel unprepared and need to study? That you have difficulty but don’t respect your limits and demand an unattainable perfection?
Talk to yourself as you would to a friend. Only say to yourself what you would say to a friend. And you don’t need to come out of this text renewed, knowing exactly what direction to take—use it as a signal to start. Only you will find within yourself all the answers to all your questions, but first, you need to apologize to your inner self for all the disrespect you’ve shown yourself and begin to forge a valuable relationship with who you are today, right now.
The truth is, this is what matters most at 20: your love for yourself.
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The article above was edited by Bruna Blanco.
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