Content warning: This article discusses BDSM. Sex is all about preferences — and, for some, it can include some kinks. One of the most popular kinks is BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism), which can include the act of choking during intercourse. But what is sexual choking? Is it really that popular? And, if so, what should you know about it?
Choking, also known as breath play, is when external pressure is applied to the neck. When this is done, it cuts off the flow of blood or air passages, which results in blood congestion in the brain, which creates lightheadedness due to a drop in oxygen levels and an increase in carbon dioxide.
Sexual choking is popular among college students, too. A 2021 survey of 4,989 college students, conducted by the Indiana University School of Public Health-Bloomington, showed that 64% of college-aged women, and 63% of trans and nonbinary college students have been choked with their consent during sexual intercourse.
With breath play becoming more and more popular amongst college students, it’s important to understand the risks associated with the kink — but also, how to do breath play safely. I spoke to Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist with a Ph.D. in Gender and Sexuality Studies, and Ola Miedzynska, a seasoned sexual wellness expert and the Co-Founder of Erobella, to learn more about choking during sex — including the risks.
Is choking during sex dangerous?
While breath play can be an interesting way to spice things up in the bedroom, it’s essential to remember that choking is a form of strangulation, even though it is not always viewed that way. “Choking can be extremely dangerous,” Moore says. “If airways are clogged for an extended period of time, it can produce hypoxia, which can result in brain damage or death.”
Unsafe choking can cause serious physical harm, including damage to the trachea, vocal cords, and carotid artery — but that’s not the only danger that comes along with practicing breath play. “Aside from physical injuries, there are psychological hazards, such as reliving prior traumas or creating intense terror that can occur during sexual choking,” Moore says. These dangers highlight the crucial significance of comprehensive knowledge and consensual communication when participating in such activities.”
However, if you choose to participate in choking, there are steps you can take to reduce the risk of harm.
- Communicate with your partner beforehand.
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Communication is essential when it comes to any kink. Before having sex, discuss limits, boundaries, safe words, and safe gestures with your partner(s). It’s important to have safe gestures as well as safe words, because you may not be able to speak while being choked. Make everything very clear. “Young people should recognize that choking during sex should be consensual at all times,” Miedzynska says. “Taking time to do repeated check-ins, even if it ruins ‘the mood,’ will keep both partners safe.”
- Learn how to choke correctly.
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With breath play, it’s best to start slow and work up to more pressure. “Start softly and then increase pressure as the partner being choked wants,” says Miedzynska. “Sometimes, partners find that just ‘holding on’ to the neck is just as much a turn-on as choking, and it’s much safer. Start there and see how you feel.”
Additionally, knowing the “correct” way to perform sexual choking is extremely important, and can even prevent injuries during the act. “Applying pressure to the sides of the neck, rather than the front, can lessen the chance of windpipe damage,” Moore says.
- Don’t be afraid to Say “no.”
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If you don’t want to participate in choking, that doesn’t mean you are boring or not adventurous enough. “Since porn showcases a lot of rough sex, young people may think that the only way to have fun during sex is to have rough sex — this is not true,” says Miedzynska. “Slower, intimate sex can be just as fun, especially if you use toys and other methods to elevate the pleasure. There is a difference between fast sex and rough sex; it’s just about drawing boundaries as to what’s going to be done in a particular sex session.”
Do what feels right to you, and tell your partner what your expectations are during sex to avoid confusion.
What do I do if my boundaries are over-stepped during sex?
Consent is essential, especially if you’re dealing with kinks. “If you’re choked without consent, you should stop the session immediately,” Miedzynska says. “Sexual boundaries are crucial, and since choking can end in [injury] if it’s not done safely, it should never be a spontaneous activity. You’ll need to have a conversation with your partner if that’s something you want to explore, and lay out expectations beforehand, not during sex.”
Having your boundaries ignored, over-stepped, or even disrespected can be triggering, so it is important to seek support after the incident. “Seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional services, such as a counselor or a sexual assault helpline,” Moore says. “It is also important to report the incident to authorities if you feel comfortable doing so, as non-consensual choking is a form of assault.”
There are ways to make choking a safer part of your sexual experiences, but it’s essential to know the risks involved. It’s also important to keep continuous communication with your partner, and if you ever want to stop choking, don’t feel scared or ashamed. Remember: You always have the right to stop any act, even if you agree to it initially.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.