For the past year, I think I’ve been suffocating. I don’t mean actual suffocation, it’s more a feeling of being so overwhelmed, being dragged in so many different directions that everything feels too small and insignificant for me to live peacefully. I don’t know when I started feeling this way, I just know that it’s been creeping up my throat like a night of too much vodka, and it’s beginning to become impossible to ignore. I feel like if I leave this to simmer and don’t write this article, one about anxiety, pressure, friendships, the experience of moving away from home, and the uncertainty of not knowing who I truly am, I might explode.
Anxiety resides in my every day, in the liminal spaces between who I am and who I believe I should be. It does not require a compelling cause to exist, it just does. Pressure, both social and personal as well as academic, is one of the main causes of anxiety for me and is something I feel needs to be normalised because, let’s be real, we’re all feeling it.
the moving away crisis
Although moving away from home can, and genuinely is, the ideal chance for personal growth, it can also cause uncertainty to grow. The comforts of home give you structure, and a sense of identity rooted in the people, places, and it’s customs. However, the underpinnings of who I thought I was started to crumble when I left that setting. I was used to people from home, the way they were and behaved towards me, and when people acted differently it scared me. I found myself suddenly doubting the things that I thought were certain. A lot of people prefer university to home and don’t get me wrong I DO love university, I just love home more.
Without the comforts of home, who am I? When the people who know me the best are not around, who am I? It can be depressing to acknowledge that you don’t have the answers, but moving away drives these questions to the surface. The struggle I’ve had with these questions has been evident in my last two years of university, where I spent a lot of time in bed, not doing as much as I should have been and just overall becoming lazy and trapping myself in a cycle. In both years I had personal issues occurring, so I can’t be too hard on myself, but to improve one must acknowledge what got them so low in the first place, and my warm, loving home is something I don’t think I’ll ever not miss.
Friendships and Boundaries
Friendships are also a challenging space to navigate for me. There is an overwhelming need to fit in and keep up relationships, particularly when I feel like I need more time alone than others. The relationships I once knew started to change when I moved away from home, and I dreaded losing those relationships or, worse, never making new ones that were as genuine and deep. I feel extremely lucky with the relationships I have now, but the incapacity to establish boundaries—both with myself and with others—is still at the core of a lot of my anxiety. Sometimes, when I should say no, I say yes. I allow being a good friend, doing well in school, and living up to everyone else’s expectations to determine how valuable I feel about myself. And I think I’ve lost myself in the process.
It’s not wrong to need more alone time than others, but it can also be misinterpreted. The feeling of preferring to be alone often leads to a sense of guilt for me. I don’t want to alienate others into thinking I don’t want to be around them, but I’ve also come to realise that spending too much time with people causes me to feel estranged from myself. Finding a balance can be challenging, particularly in an environment like a university where extroversion and connection are highly valued. It’s particularly challenging to set boundaries when you’re still figuring yourself out. When I’m not sure what I need for myself, how do I say no? When I’m not sure what matters most to me, how do I resist pressure? It feels like an endless cycle: I can’t set boundaries until I know myself fully, but I can’t know myself without the space that boundaries provide.
who am I?
The urge to “find yourself” is exaggerated in our society. It’s expected of you to know who you are, what you want, and where you’re going by a specific age or stage of life. However, identity is actually an ever-changing concept, not something you find once and hold on to forever. Identity changes and develops, and it’s acceptable to not have all the answers. However, it is critical to make time for oneself amid all these demands. It’s okay to need time alone; it’s a type of self-care. Now I have started to become aware of my own needs, wants, and boundaries, I feel the weight on my chest lifting. Allowing myself the space to breathe is a powerful first step, even though I might not have all the answers yet.
That doesn’t, however, make the uncertainty any less difficult. It can feel like you’re floating, detached from any solid ground when you don’t know who you are. Setting limits is a continuous process, but it begins with realising that your value isn’t determined by how much or how many people you can satisfy. It’s about realising that you should be treated with the same respect and consideration as you do for other people.
having the courage to exist
I know I’ve been spewing anxiety at you readers, but you’ll be happy to know that I’ve been reforming myself a lot this summer, attempting to regain control over the areas of my life that had begun to feel out of control. I committed to sleeping earlier and more consistently after having a brief scare with insomnia, and I joined the gym to help me control my anxiety. I also fell back in love with reading again and I’m currently using it to decompress. Even though I’ve come a long way in terms of knowing my limits, the lead-up to university has brought my anxiety back. I’m anxious about my ability to maintain the boundaries I’ve established for myself in a new setting, but I know I can always refer back to this article to remind myself to do so.
The most crucial thing to take from this article is, if you relate to me, then you are not experiencing this alone. This feeling of suffocation is a sign to slow down, breathe, and reclaim your space in a world that often demands too much. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of emotion, compassion and longing. Repeat after me: I am not my anxiety and my anxiety is not me.