I’m getting old. I’m only 19, but it feels like I might as well be in my 80’s. In a couple of months I’ll be older, finally stepping out of my teens and into my 20’s. It’s strange, how the phases of your life end so quickly. Things come and in the same moment they arrive, they leave. To where, I don’t know but they’ll become memories that I cherish forever—or as long as I can remember them. I’m aware that there will be days where those recollections bring tears to my eyes and in the same breath, joy and laughter. This stage of my life is unfamiliar to me. Outside of school and work, my 20’s feel like a waiting period. I have absolutely no expectations and honestly it brings me relief.
The expectations I’m accustomed to are straight out of different types of media. Movies, YouTubers, TV shows and social platforms have single-handedly shaped how I perceive many aspects of aging. It was genuinely shocking that my teenage years weren’t spent with endless partying, rule-breaking and waking up with the sole purpose of having fun and maybe getting good grades on the side.
Instead, I laugh at the flashbacks of stale parties, sad drunks and lots of walking around the mall. Currently hoping that my 30’s will be true to what I’ve seen in movies. I want to experience the love, luxury and wisdom that I hope comes with aging. The fantasy of being “30, flirty and thriving” is one I hope is realistic.
These expectations have led me down paths that make me wonder: Would they be different if I let them go? If I released myself from the burden of having life be premeditated thoughts of what it should be instead of a real, lived experience?
I know I am not the only one who has fallen victim to setting my standard for growing up and becoming an adult unnecessarily high. Once again, I find myself wandering around hoping to run into an understanding of all the things I just don’t get. I still find myself running up and down the mental library of my mind, picking at each bookshelf hoping to find some life-altering realization; something that will answer every question I’ve ever had. Instead, as my 20’s are arriving, I find myself asking only one question: How do I become an adult?
I can’t speak for everyone but I have been trying to be an adult; or at least acting in ways that I think adults act. Making the right decisions and taking risks, but not too many because that would be irresponsible. Making friends and having romantic relationships, but not so many that it’s hard to balance my work-life and my life-life. Traveling and living in the now, but not losing sight of what’s really important. Somehow, through the mist of the nightmare scenarios I keep fabricating, (seemingly out of thin air) I keep looking for the positives of it all.
I’ve recently found myself spending my free time watching movies and reading books, trying to find a sense of self. Understanding that while different forms of media can warp my outlook, they can simultaneously enlighten them. As this new age of media and connectedness continues to flourish, I will have to decide how I consume the numerous platforms of social media and how much influence I allow them to have in my life. They are not inherently negative and I say this in hopes that I have not implied so. They have the ability to broaden a perspective in the ways a person could live; but no film, book, influencer, inspirational quote or song can experience what it means to be you or me. You are an original individual with thoughts and emotions. You have lived experiences and fears as well as hopes and dreams and will have to be curious about life to enjoy it.
Being in your 20’s offers a chance for every young adult to be fearless. If you are a free bird and have never let anyone or anything clip your wings, I commend you. On the other hand, If you have never felt the rain on your skin or done something even when terrified; please do. I know for a fact there are going to be times where you wish for some type of control or the power to alter reality and go back in time.
Unfortunately, magical wishing dust sprinkled on dollhouses and DeLorean time machines built by 60-year-old nepotism-babies are stories that must stay on screen. Fortunately, your story is one that is real. As I age, something continues to change within my soul and my mind and my body, and I am slowly blossoming into the woman I always hoped to be. I’m excited, nervous, soon to be 20-something and most importantly: Grown as hell.