My first three years at the University of Connecticut (even for longer than this now that I think about it), I had always had this underlying fear of rejection or of people judging me for the things that I truly wanted to do. Whether it was being scared to go up to talk to people or not posting something on my social media, I’ve always had a fear of being judged. At some point, I realized this was a stupid perspective holding me back, and that life is what I make of it.
My initial push
As most of us do, I was doom scrolling on TikTok (an unfortunate habit that I’ve developed, but this is beside the point). As I scrolled into the depths of the night, I would constantly see girls living their best lives at my age. They didn’t look any different than I did, they just dressed a lot cooler, got cool PR sent to their place every week, and got invited to amazing events. But other than that? Twin! Either my front lobe started to develop further or the sleep deprivation finally turned into delusion because I asked myself the most life-changing question; “If they can, then why can’t I?” When you get to the root of who they are, they’re just like you and I. After some time of staring into the dark void of my room, I couldn’t come up with any valid answer. Even if I did come up with one, I immediately combatted it with reasons why I could. If these people can live life in a way that seems so cool, post whatever they want, and wear whatever they want, then what has been stopping me all these years? It wasn’t where I was located, my closet, or my bank account, but my fear of being judged/perceived in a way that I wouldn’t want.
Being judged is human nature
Anytime I did post on social media, I never really posted my face. I didn’t think I was a hideous monster, but I wasn’t confident enough to post myself often. Sure, there would be times when I did post my face or my body in the summertime, but it’d immediately be followed by me sulking into the comfort of my bedsheets anxiously thinking about the fact that I was going to be perceived as if I’m some woman of mystery (which I am very much not). I was scared that I would be judged by the way I looked, the places I went, and the way I dressed. If I did not dress in leggings and a hoodie, I’d crash out. If I wore a skirt for one class, I’d immediately skip my other ones solely because I couldn’t do it. But as I was (again) scrolling through TikTok, I caught myself judging how people were dressed on my for-you page. Most fashion trends nowadays aren’t really my cup of tea, so anytime I see people participating in them I cringe a bit. But that’s when it hit me: I judge people. I judge people, but it’s never to the point where it stays in my mind. I see something that’s different, dislike it, and move on with my day. Everyone does that. It’s just human nature. Those people know that they’ll be judged in any and every way, but they keep on living the way that they want because it makes them happy. Out of a scale of 1-5, the chances of you being judged by someone today is a 6. Every day that we walk out our doors in the morning we’re judged. Whether it’s our neighbors, our professors, classmates, or Mellow (Lizzie from Lizzie’s Curbside’s dog), everyone is going to judge you. Now I know when you think about that at first, it’s insanely daunting. You start thinking, “well great, now I just want to hide away forever and never see the light of day,” which is a valid reaction. But at some point, I realized that if I’m going to be judged anyway, I might as well be happy while I do it.
Starting to be whatever I want to be
I knew I wanted to be one of those girls that I see on my for-you page who get to collab with different brands I adored, wear cool clothes, and do fun things. That was the type of person I wanted to be. So, I just decided to be that person. It was like a “fake it till you make it situation.” I did my research, dug into the depths of my closet where all the clothes I called “statement pieces” were, and just acted like the version of myself that I wanted to be. Now I can’t lie to you, at first it was mortifying. I don’t respond well to exposure therapy. I’m a person who enjoys staying in my comfort zone, like wearing a skirt in public for 30 minutes and immediately going home to change into leggings. This isn’t an exaggeration either, I was genuinely that anxious. It got to the point where I just donated all my skirts (which kills me every single day because I had some cute ones). As time went on, however, things got easier. I forced myself to ditch my leggings and trade them for jeans, packed my hoodies away and replaced them with sweaters, saved my Converse for the bar, and wore boots and fun sneakers. I started posting more, applied to collabs with brands, and started saying yes to going out to places that weren’t just the frats down the street. I was becoming that girl I wanted to be.
Ending note
Now I’m not saying I’m this successful and amazing person because I’m definitely not (yet), but the skill to ignore judgments has allowed me to go for things that I wanted academically and professionally. I applied to internships that I was definitely underqualified for, applied to club positions that I was scared I wouldn’t be good enough for, and talked to people I’ve never spoken to (I still have issues with this one) because why not? The worst that can happen is getting an email saying I didn’t get that position, getting refused for the spot in that club I’m in, and feeling that the person and I don’t click. I’ve definitely lived through much worse and survived more embarrassing things, and I know you have too. You’ve gone 18-20+ years of embarrassing moments, unfortunate outfit decisions, and cringy mistakes, and yet you’re still here. So why not just be whatever version of you that you want to be? You’re going to be judged anyway, so get out there and go for it.