Growing up Hispanic has always been something difficult for me. No, not because I’m a minority, that is obviously more difficult for other reasons I am not touching on in this article. It’s because I grew up Hispanic with a single mother… who is white.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and even before that my dad was never around. He was always “working.” That doesn’t matter though because even if he was, he doesn’t recognize the fact he is Hispanic.
So now I’m here with a white woman trying to teach me about a culture she didn’t even learn about until she left her hometown. No this is not an exaggeration; she grew up in the middle of nowhere. I also had a dad who wouldn’t even acknowledge his own culture.
I asked him what he thought about throwing a Quinceanera for me and he looked at me straight faced and said “Why? You’re white.” The quince didn’t happen because of Covid anyways but, still, the fact is that he was no help when it came to learning about my heritage.
My mom did try though. She tried getting her best friend, who is also Puerto Rican, to help, but she didn’t know much either. She is disconnected from that part of her just like me, and we have been working on the journey together to gain that connection.
We even went to Puerto Rico this past summer. It was a trip we had been planning since I was in elementary school, and it helped… a bit. I got to see what it was like there and meet some of my family members who live down there.
My mom’s new boyfriend was born in Puerto Rico and moved to America when he was in 6th grade, so he showed us around. I got to immerse myself into the culture, but there are still disconnections.
It’s hard connecting with a culture in such a short period of time though. Being with my Puerto Rican family members didn’t help. I wasn’t able to speak Spanish with them or share similar interests because my favorite Puerto Rican things are seen as “basic” and “popular”, so I don’t even bring them up because I feel like I just look stupid.
I know that’s not the truth though. I know that’s the closest I am getting to a culture I wasn’t raised in and can’t find ways to get closer to it without moving. Sitting here even writing this article I feel like I look stupid.
I sit here and think as I write that readers are just going to think “well maybe try harder to learn more” or “there are bigger issues than this you should worry about” and I get that. But my feelings are valid.
I am Hispanic and Hispanic Heritage Month is when I feel most connected with this part of me. I wish I could yell at the world, make it known that it is okay to feel disconnected from your culture, because I know I am not the only one who struggles with this sort of feeling.