College has always been depicted in the media as a time of change and a time to find one’s true identity. Many rom-coms depict your college years as when you eventually find “the one” and ride off into the sunset. Unfortunately, real life is far from these picturesque endings.Â
Dating in the modern day has become quite a challenge. From the issues arising from social media to the integration of Snapchat and other communication forums into a relationship, things are certainly different than they were back in the day. Compared to a decade ago, people are getting married far later in life. It was widely reported that in 2023, the average age of married couples was 32 years. There are a myriad of reasons for this, namely a priority for economic stability and less societal pressure to settle down.Â
What does this mean for college students? Being a member of a Greek organization, the number one grievance I hear from my peers is that many individuals are simply not looking for a relationship. Whether for maturity reasons or because they want to play the field, many young people find it hard to form a genuine connection during their college years.
It’s hard, maybe, but not impossible. Curious about this issue, I talked with three female college students in long-term relationships, to find out what they felt made their relationships successful. Here is a transcript of their responses to three of the most common inquiries by those who feel discouraged by the modern dating sphere.
- What boundaries did you implement early on that you feel benefited your relationship in the long run?
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Kamila Palermo: “We always agreed to have open communication with each other, even if it was about topics that made us uncomfortable. Like, if something were to happen while he’s out without me, he would tell me about it even if it was a situation that made me uncomfortable. We both know we like to be aware of what’s going on with the other person when we’re not around.”
Reese Knickle: “I think one of the best things we talked about early on was the importance of keeping open and honest communication with each other. There was a mutual understanding between us where we know that we are both human and are bound to make mistakes. We just hold each other to the standard of being honest and loyal to each other during the good and the bad days. We both also had a growth mindset for our relationship, so we could better ourselves in the long run. Oftentimes, in relationships, people can find themselves losing their sense of self because it’s super hard to adjust and navigate being with another person like that. But we always had constant conversations of things we can do to better ourselves individually which in turn would better us as a couple as well.”
Amelia Santos: “I made sure to put boundaries on my privacy and location. I had bad experiences in the past of ex-boyfriends using my location against me and always harassing me to talk to them. I made sure that when I got into a new relationship that having time for each person to hang out with their friends and be involved in other things outside of the relationship was a priority. Another boundary we have is that we trust each other to hang out with guys/girls as long as it’s mentioned beforehand if it’s one-on-one. We make sure to shut down any romantic advances, and this was a major boundary for me when my boyfriend went to study abroad because I had to trust him and his actions.”
- Â How have you seen the positive effects boundaries have had on your relationship?
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Palermo: “It has built strong trust between us and set a standard within our relationship that we both agreed to follow.”
Knickle: “My partner and I have been together for almost two and a half years, and I would say that is one of the biggest indications of the positive effects our boundaries have had on our relationship. Each boundary has set the foundation for our success when navigating each trial and tribulation we’ve had to go through on our journey. The time I’ve been with my guy has been some of the best years of my life. I have certainly seen the positive effects of how happy my partner and I are together and separate.”
Santos: “Having established these boundaries so early on really made a difference. I think having all of these boundaries has majorly helped with my mental health and state of mind.”
- Â How do you and your partner communicate best?
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Palermo: “We tend to spend some time with issues on our own and then share them with the other person, simply so we can do it with a calm head and not rush into decisions when we aren’t thinking logically.”
Knickle: “A common dynamic in relationships is an anxious attachment and avoidant attachment, and I would say that is the dynamic in my own relationship. I am definitely the anxious attachment where sometimes I want to immediately talk things out and be reassured a lot, whereas my partner has more of an avoidant attachment, and he needs more space and a sense of independence. We have both recognized our different attachment styles and how different things can “trigger” us, so I would say we communicate best when we meet each other in the middle. Sometimes, when we have disagreements, we give each other some space so we can gather our thoughts, and then we reconvene after to talk things out. We both never like to leave or go to sleep upset, even if the conversation is uncomfortable for a bit. We’ve both found that talking it out in a timely manner is what’s worked best in our relationship.”Â
Santos: “We communicate best with simple talking. We don’t have secrets, and everything is easy to talk to each other about. If we disagree about [something], it isn’t met with yelling. We make sure to stay levelheaded and calm when we argue. It’s not perfect, and we can snap at each other from time to time, but we make it work, and since we know each other so well, it’s easy to find out the reason behind it. We also make sure to text each other each day, but if I’m getting ready for an exam or something, I let him know beforehand that I won’t be as active. Honestly, I think talking about anything and everything is what works for us.”
Long-term relationships can be hard, but with the right boundaries and communication skills, they can work out. It’s important to talk things out and be open. At the end of the day, setting boundaries can set your relationship up for success and bring positive outcomes for both of you!