Edited By : Kavya Gupta
It’s incredibly challenging to be with someone amazing yet feel incapable of loving them the way you want because your past keeps holding you back. You long to be the calm, secure partner, not weighed down by unnecessary fears, but it feels impossible. How do you shift from being emotionally volatile and insecure to becoming someone who can fully trust and relax in the relationship? How do you remind yourself that the relationship is stable, and that you don’t need to constantly keep your guard up? The fear of ruining a perfectly happy relationship because of insecurities is overwhelming, and if you’ve been there, you know how exhausting it is. You’re constantly battling your own doubts, worried that your past trauma will sabotage your present.
But what’s the solution? Is it possible to transform into a more secure partner overnight? Instead of chasing quick fixes, I think it’s important to acknowledge the emotional turmoil you’re going though. In a way, dealing with insecurities can feel like moving through the stages of grief — mourning the parts of yourself that are hurting while trying to heal and grow. Understanding this process is the first step towards breaking free from those patterns. So let’s understand ourselves and our insecurities through the stages of grief:
Denial is the first stage, where insecurities manifest as coping mechanisms to avoid deeper pain. For example, constantly seeking reassurance may feel like a protective measure to keep the relationship intact, but it’s often masking the underlying insecurity of not feeling like enough. Jealousy and trust issues become ways to control the unknown, refusing to accept that these feelings stem from past wounds and not the present relationship.
In anger, emotions turn inward and outward. You might feel frustration at yourself for being “this way” and anger toward your partner for not behaving in the way you want them to. These reactions often lead to emotional outbursts or unnecessary conflicts, and can sometimes be a way of pushing the other person away before they get too close. The frustration of not being able to change overnight intensifies during this stage.
Bargaining comes next, where rationalizing and justifying thoughts and actions take center stage. You might convince yourself that your jealousy or constant need for attention is a natural response, and that if your partner were more attentive or understanding, things would be different. This stage often leads to blaming the partner for everything that goes wrong, further deepening the disconnect and reinforcing the belief that these actions are justified.
As things spiral, depression sets in when the relationship feels like it’s slipping through your fingers. The emotional weight of realizing how insecurities are impacting both you and your partner leads to feelings of hopelessness. You might feel miserable that, despite your love for the person, your behaviors are driving them away, and it becomes harder to imagine a future where things are different.
Finally, acceptance offers the opportunity to understand your attachment style, acknowledge the insecurities driving your behaviors, and take responsibility for your actions. This is the stage where you actively begin to work on your thought patterns, unlearning the negative relationship behaviors you’ve developed over time. Healing from an insecure attachment style takes effort, but this is where true growth begins, enabling you to move towards healthier, more secure relationships. It is the pivotal stage where true healing begins. To reach this point, it’s essential to first identify your attachment style — understanding whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or secure. Taking an attachment style quiz can be a helpful starting point. From there, journaling your feelings and tracking patterns can provide clarity. Writing down your thoughts and insecurities allows you to gain perspective and pinpoint where these issues stem from, often revealing moments in childhood or past relationships that need addressing.
Once you’ve identified the roots of these insecurities, work on unlearning those faulty patterns. For example, if you tend to fear abandonment, practice self-soothing techniques, reminding yourself that you’re safe in your current relationship. Honest communication with your partner is also key. Express your insecurities openly without fear of judgment. By being vulnerable, you create space for understanding and reassurance.
Going through these stages isn’t always a linear process. It can often feel like a cycle, repeating itself unless true acceptance is reached. It’s important to remember that acceptance doesn’t mean perfection, but rather a commitment to self-awareness and growth. A partner who is patient and understanding, willing to support you as you work through these stages, is necessary and, trust me, that’s the bare minimum. They provide the stability and reassurance necessary to help you navigate your insecurities and build a healthy, secure relationship.
You don’t need to go through all these stages to have a healthy relationship, but if you’re someone who battles insecurity and find yourself in these difficult moments, know that acceptance is coming. It’s a gentle step toward healing, and always remember — you are worthy of the most beautiful, unconditional love.