I turned 21 last week. The question is, am I 21 years old or 21 years young?
There’s so much build-up to your 21st birthday: You can drink (finally!), gamble and even adopt a child! You’d think this special day would feel magical and exciting, but all I felt was fear.
How am I 21 now when it feels like I’m still six years old, running around in my backyard and begging my mom to push me on the swings? Or 10, celebrating the golden start of the double digits with my little sisters; 16, driving alone for the first time or 18, walking across the stage at my high school graduation?
Being able to grow up is a privilege, I get that. But I’m scared. I’m scared of getting older, growing up and losing the vivid reminders of my past. Every blow of the candle brings hopes and dreams. They used to be wishes for a toy I wanted or a new shirt from Justice, and now they’re wishes for a job, graduating college or a family. When did growing up become a running clock instead of a countdown?Â
I always thought that when I turned 21 I would feel old and grown up, yet here I am, yearning for my youth. Nostalgia is a funny thing, and it just gets funnier with each trip around the sun. On the night of my 21st birthday, I let myself be nostalgic. A part of me felt distant from the past version of me that celebrated with a family party and a round of singing “Happy Birthday” every year, but a part of me felt like I was still her.Â
With the “Big 2-1,” I want to make myself feel 21 years young. Making sense of growing up is difficult, and being able to find the little girl that’s still inside you makes it easier. In my 21st year, I hope to keep in touch with the little girl who has survived the 21 years to get me here. But more importantly, I want to make her proud. Being 21 doesn’t mean that I’m old or that I have to let go of the past; it means that I get to look back at them with joy and pride.Â
So, what I’m trying to say is that growing up doesn’t have to be scary. You don’t have to be scared to turn 21, because when you’re 21 years old, you’re also 21 years young. Enjoy it.