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As much as I love being an adult, there are times when I miss being younger. Especially when I was in kindergarten and could approach someone and ask “Do you want to be friends?” without it being weird. As fun as it is, adulthood encompasses a different approach to friendships. College doesn’t give you the same convenience as high school, where it’s easy to hang out with your friends every day or have a dedicated 30 minutes of recess to see them. Now, differing schedules have made it difficult to make new friends or even maintain contact with the ones you do have. As my life has changed since entering college, so have my friendships. I’ve lost friends from my childhood and have made lifelong friends, but it all comes with a cost. Here are the hardest lessons I have learned about friendships in my early 20s.
- The phone works both ways.
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It can be incredibly frustrating when you feel as if you are the friend who is constantly texting first, initiating or making plans, or checking up on them. It was much easier in high school to talk to a friend every day because you had similar schedules and were able to see them more often than not. But with college, everyone has differing schedules and responsibilities that make it difficult to make concrete plans. I’ve fallen victim to the classic phrase, “I’ll let you know when I’m free”, and then of course, they never let you know when they are free. I’ve felt lonesome when I am eager to make plans and initiate conversation and am met with ambiguity or lack of effort. I’ve learned that the phone works both ways. If they want to see or talk to me, they will make an effort to do so. Of course, there can be legitimate reasons for the inability to make plans (struggling mental health or genuinely busy schedules), but there are ways to communicate that they are still present in that friendship. You don’t have to talk every day to prove you enjoy someone’s friendship, but small ways such as sending TikToks or “I’m thinking of you and can’t wait to hang out soon” can do the job.
- There are different types of friends.
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If you’re planning to go out and hit the bars, you may know exactly which friend to call and invite. Or, if you are having a bad day and need to vent, there is one person in mind. We all subconsciously group our friends into different categories, ones we can have a good time with and ones we can go to for our emotional needs. But, it can be difficult to figure out where you stand in each other’s lives and figure out if it is safe to be emotionally vulnerable with someone. There have been times I’ve made a friend in class but wanted them to be more than just a “class friend” or have tried to hang out with a coworker outside of work and that transition has been difficult to initiate. The hardest thing I have accepted is that starting that shift, it forces me to be vulnerable and initiate plans. The worst that can happen is that they say no. If they were meant to be more than work or school friends, then they would be.
- Friendships change when they get a significant other.
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If you’ve had a friend who has entered a new relationship, there is usually a time when you see them less because they seem to be with their partner constantly. This experience has left me feeling frustrated and disappointed, feeling like I lost importance in my friend’s life. I never understood that honeymoon phase, till I entered it myself in my first college relationship. I wanted to (and still do occasionally) spend every spare minute with my boyfriend because it was a sense of safety and comfort, and he truly is one of my best friends. However, I have learned that it’s important to check in with yourself and be objective with how you are dividing your free time. Are you spending every weekend with your partner? Are you declining plans to spend time with them? When was the last time you dedicated a weekend or day to just hanging out with your friends? I’ve found that asking myself these questions allows me to make sure I am focusing on my friends. I’ve also asked my friends to be upfront with me if they felt as if I was prioritizing my relationship over them. If you are on the receiving end and feel as if your friend only hangs out with their partner, try communicating with them about your concerns– most of the time they don’t just realize they are doing it.
- It’s okay to not have a big group of friends.
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Since high school, I’ve longed for a large group of friends that does everything, just like it’s portrayed on television. In the times I have tried to be a part of a large group, I was often met with exclusion and had too high of expectations. When I entered college, especially when I studied abroad, those desires arose. However, I realized that the friendships I have established as an adult have been incredibly fulfilling and I lost the desire. I feel incredibly close to my friends, just the two or three of us. I’ve had to let go of this unachievable ideal and stop trying to force it. The best friendships I have have come naturally and I have truly embraced quality over quantity.
- There’s good in goodbye.
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Whether it’s because of a fight or a slow fade, losing a friend is an emotionally difficult experience. Although I have a large fear of abandonment, I found myself fighting for friendships where I felt like my effort wasn’t reciprocated. Instead of feeling like I am constantly fighting to keep a relationship alive, I’ve learned it’s okay to let certain people fizzle out of your life. A friendship shouldn’t be filled with anxiety and over-thinking; rather, it should be someone I can hang out and laugh with without wondering if they enjoy my company. Accepting this difficult fact has allowed me to let go of friendships that weren’t serving me, close the chapter of my high school experience, and fully embrace a new chapter of my life, with more room for new and fulfilling friendships.
With all of these lessons, the most empowering one I have learned is that I shouldn’t have to beg for friendship. Friendships should be one of fulfillment, joy, and genuine care for one another. I deserve more than to question if they want to see me or urge them to follow up on their plans. I deserve dependable and loving relationships in my life. Having this motto in my life has led me to lifelong friendships that 18-year-old me dreamed of having.