The classic post-casual hookup throw-on-clothes-and-run-out-of-the-door move: Maybe you’ve fallen victim to it, or maybe you’ve been the one dashing out of the door after the deed is done. If you’re engaging in casual sex, cuddling up afterward can seem like the most intimate thing imaginable — and, for some, it’s a total ick. But engaging in acts of post-sex connection, also known as aftercare, after a casual hookup doesn’t have to be all lovey-dovey — and, if it’s done right, it can actually make the experience just that much better.
I get it. After a hookup, especially the casual kind, the last thing some folks want to do is cuddle up and catch feelings. Yeah, aftercare is intimate — but, when you think about it, so is being naked with another human being. Instead of shying away from this connection, aftercare is a way to strengthen it… at least that’s what Gigi Engle, a sexpert at 3Fun, says.
According to Engle, aftercare is considered anything involved in “the time we devote, post-sex or play, to cuddle, talk, and care for each other.” And while you may believe that aftercare is only something that romantic, devoted partners practice, aftercare is important for anyone engaging in sexual activity with partners — even if it’s just casual.Â
“It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important,” Engle says. “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual; it’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”
Aftercare can actually impact your mental health. (Yes, seriously.)
If you’ve ever had great sex (congrats, BTW), you’ve definitely experienced the natural high that comes with an orgasm. When the Big O hits, your body releases dopamine, known as “the feel-good hormone,” and oxytocin, aka “the love drug,” which increases positive emotions that counteract the “stress hormone,” cortisol. “After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable,” Engle says. “We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues.”Â
It’s not just feelings, though: it’s facts. A 2015 study published by Sexual Medicine found that nearly 33% of women experienced postcoital dysphoria (PCD), which is “the experience of negative affect characterized by tearfulness, a sense of melancholy or depression, anxiety, agitation, or aggression following consensual sexual intercourse.” PCD can be caused by a variety of factors — such as hormones, past sexual trauma, or existing mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. And it’s not exclusive to women: A 2018 study published in the Journal Of Sex And Marital Therapy found that 41% of men have experienced PCD in their lifetime as well.Â
Aftercare has been known to ease feelings of PCD. A three-month-long study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that couples who engaged in aftercare increased bonding and intimacy — and, yes, that included couples engaging in casual sex. Who knew?
Engaging in aftercare is especially important after rough sex.
If you and your partner are engaging in rough, or kinkier, sex, aftercare is just that much more important. If your hookup includes (consensual!) actions like choking, spanking, edging, or any other BDSM-adjacent kinks, connecting with your partner after the fact helps to establish a caring, comfortable, and safe relationship. “In the kink community, aftercare is essential,” Engle says. “When a couple comes down from the highs of BDSM play, there can be an emotional crash — so, it’s crucial that the dominant partner provides aftercare for the submissive partner in order for them to feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world.”
So, what does aftercare look like in a casual sex relationship?
Aftercare looks different for everyone — so be sure to communicate with your partner about practices that make you (and your sexual partner) feel good. “The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place,” Engle says. “Figure out what aftercare looks like for you: It could be cuddling, chatting, taking a shower together, scrolling on TikTok together, grabbing a bite to eat, or having a cup of tea. It’s really up to you.”
So, instead of dashing out of the door, or letting your hookup walk away without saying “goodbye,” consider having a conversation with them about keeping the connection going. If aftercare is something that’s important to you, then let your partner know. A simple “Wanna order some food?” or “Can we cuddle for a bit?” or even a “Do you want to watch some of the new Love Is Blind?” can go a long way.
And, if your hookup isn’t down to participate in aftercare, it might be time to let them walk out the door — permanently. Regardless of your relationship, you deserve to feel good about yourself, and cared for, after sex.