Navigating the Waves of Grief: A Personal Journey

I never thought that I would have to go through this type of journey at such a young age. I know a lot of people experience grief throughout this lifetime, but I never expected the outcome that it would have on me as a person and my life. 

This year, I lost my grandpa. It was unexpected, and I think about it daily. I always wonder why this happened and why now. His passing occurred in the middle of the semester, and it was incredibly hard for me. I didn’t want to go back to school and continue the semester. His death took a huge toll on me, and it is something that I continue to think about and struggle with. 

I feel a lot of grief not only because I lost him, but also because I feel like there was more that I could’ve done. I can’t even explain the pain that I have been through. I constantly think about the “what-ifs”. 

My grandpa was the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met. He was always there for the people he loved and made sure that they were always taken care of. He is someone who I looked up to so much and someone who was my hero. He showed me how to be a good person. He was a leader to me and showed me how to be a good friend and someone that people can count on. I knew that if I ever needed anything I could always count on him, no matter what. 

Going away for college was a hard decision for me but it was something that he supported me through. Growing up, I had a lot of difficult conversations with him, and I always knew that I could trust him. I knew that no matter what I did, good or bad, he would always be there for me no matter what.  

I think that the hardest thing for me is that I can’t talk to him. I know that if i’m having a bad day I cannot call him and get advice from him. I never really knew how hard it is to lose such an important person in my life and I think that it was something that I have taken for granted. I still have some voicemails from him and when I am having a bad day I know that I can play them and hear his voice again. 

Something that I have heard about a lot is that the “first year of firsts” are always the hardest. I can’t even believe that he has been gone for 6 months and it just seems so unreal. 

One thing that I think that I struggle with a lot is that grief isn’t linear. It hits you hard sometimes and sometimes not at all. I think that I have really struggled with having a good time since he passed because he no longer gets to live and enjoy those good things anymore. People always say that he wouldn’t want me to be down and sad about it all but it is something that I tend to still struggle with. 

I will always cherish the moments that I had with him and all the memories we have made together. My favorite times growing up were going to the lakehouse and taking the boat out. He loved being at the lake and it was such a happy place for me growing up. 

My journey with grief is something that I am still exploring. I know that I will continue to have good days and bad days and that is all a part of this journey. What I can take away from this experience and my own journey is that you have to live every day to the fullest. Tomorrow isn’t always promised and is something that I struggle with. I try my best to get out of my head and have fun and live in the moment. I know that my grandpa would want that for me and is something that I push myself to be better everyday because I know that is what he would want for me.

Anyone experiencing grief and pain knows that you aren’t alone and that it is ok to have your moments and your bad days. It is how you grow from them and push through the bad times that make you strong. 

To my grandpa: I miss you every day, and I wish we could turn back time. I want to make you proud, and I want you to know that I love you so much.

• #loss
• grief