Life is about self-reflection, and as hard as it may seem, sometimes we are too in our heads to realize that maybe we are the problem. We all have tough moments, and being nice to yourself is incredibly important in life, but every so often we all need to hear the hard truth: sometimes, we are the problem. Growing up is about recognizing this and understanding what we can do to change it. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you recognize if you’re actually the problem and how to go about it once you accept this fact.
Step 1: Understand That It’s Not Always About You
Does every conversation somehow become a rant about your life, your problems or what someone else did to you? If your world revolves entirely around your issues and you expect others to drop everything and listen, then maybe some self-reflection is required. Constantly seeking attention and validation gets old fast; people will start to avoid you. Learn to listen and not bring up your issues in every conversation with another person. This will allow you to be personable and honestly, less annoying to those around you. Yes, things get hard in life but it’s about how you handle your issues that can make a situation better.
Step 2: Stop Complaining if You Won’t Make Changes
We all have those tough days, however, if you’re constantly complaining about the same issues– whether it’s money or school or bad habits– without doing anything to change, it becomes exhausting. You are the only thing in the way of your goals. Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day, so whether you use them to achieve the changes you wish to make or waste away your days with the same bad habits, time will pass by regardless. Stop complaining and do something to make that change.
Step 3: Recognize Why You Keep Losing Relationships
If you have cycled through multiple sets of friends, roommates, relationships or other connections with people in small amounts of time, always with negative endings, it might be time to take a hard look at the common denominator: yourself. This may not always be the case, as people are expected to come and go in life and grow at different rates in comparison those around them. But, if the same thing occurs every time new people come into your life, it’s time to recognize the reasons why. People don’t just disappear for no reason.
Step 4: Stop Playing the Victim
If you can’t figure out why people keep leaving or why life is so difficult, it may be that you are stuck in a victim mentality. Not everything that occurs is an attack. The universe does not hate you. If you always paint yourself as a victim in each bad situation you find yourself in, it’s time to take more responsibility for your role in the chaos. This will allow you to get to know yourself better and overall, like yourself better.
Step 5: Quit Talking Behind People’s Backs
Pretending to be nice to people’s faces while trash-talking them behind their backs is not cute– it’s toxic. If you are the type to smile and play nice but later unload how awful a person is as soon as they leave, you might be the problem. There is a difference between being fake and being civil. This habit not only breeds distrust but can be isolating when people eventually catch on. You never know who is listening.
Step 6: What to Do if You’re the Problem
Now that you’ve come to the conclusion that you may be the problem, here are steps to take to start changing. You can begin by listening more to others and talking less about yourself. No one wants to hear your life story, they are not your therapist. People deserve to feel equally heard in a conversation. Secondly, actually work on bad habits rather than complaining. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. Third, treat people with genuine respect and stop with the fake niceties. If you don’t like a person, don’t talk to them. It’s as simple as that. You do not have to be everyone’s friend. Lastly, stop burning bridges with every relationship you come across. Relationships take hard work and effort. Don’t let people walk all over you, but make sure you are being the best you can be in the relationship as well, without only blaming the other person automatically.
Being close to someone who doesn’t realize they’re the problem can feel like carrying an emotional backpack full of bricks. Don’t become that person. Once you step back and see the patterns, you may finally understand why people keep walking away. Owning up to your actions might be one of the most important things you can do in life. If you’ve read this and automatically think “No way, that’s not me,” well… that probably says enough.