About a month ago I was assigned a biography presentation about a significant Chinese figure. I am a very proud history nerd, I love this sort of assignment. I chose a prominent figure I knew that I could do a lot with, Mao Zedong – founding father of the Chinese communist party. Although I had prior knowledge of Mao, part of me chose him because I knew my grandfather would have a lot of useful information for me to incorporate into the project. He was a money-minded businessman who had a lot of opinions about communism – and China for that matter. One problem though – my grandfather is dead. I can’t call him, I can’t visit him, I can’t ask if he’d like to hear about my research. I stare at the title slide of my presentation, not knowing what to do next.Â
I lost my grandfather a little over a year ago. His death came exactly three weeks after his 80th birthday, an event I’m very grateful I was able to attend so I could see him one last time. His death came as a shock to everyone in the family. Just three weeks prior we had celebrated a milestone, then quickly after, we had to y switch gears and send out funeral invitations.Â
So many times throughout this last year I have picked up my phone with the intention to call my grandpa, and it takes me a minute before I realize there won’t be an answer. With my initials being HRM, he’d answer the phone and ask if he’s speaking to “Her Royal Majesty” , a line I haven’t heard in a while now, and really miss hearing. After the somber realization, I am left wondering how part of me doesn’t remember he has passed. How come my brain doesn’t shield me from having to re-learn that he is gone? Could it be that I haven’t fully healed from the absolute shock that his death was? Does my brain file that fact away since I didn’t speak to him every single day when he was alive?Â
The half blank powerpoint presentation entitled “Mao” sits on my computer screen and is a cruel reminder of the conversation I am longing to have with someone who is no-longer with us. I’m subconsciously blocking myself from doing any research because I honestly don’t know where to start, but he would know.Â
Jeanne Croteau, a writer for Forbes says, “People seem to expect some magical healing to happen after that first anniversary of a death, and for some it does, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t change anything for you right away. You might even feel more anxious, enraged or sad as you approach the one-year mark.” This quotation resonates with what I’m feeling – as the one year mark came and went, my feelings of longing for communication and anxiety grew. The anxiety I feel now is the same feeling I’d get when I forgot about our weekly phone call – like I’m forgetting to talk to him.Â
I am taking this biography assignment as an opportunity to continue grieving. If I can’t talk to him, researching and watching documentaries about a topic my grandfather would’ve loved to talk about is the next best thing.Â