Let’s Talk Football: Girly Edition

I’m no football expert. I’m not even an enthusiast. But after my boyfriend started sacrificing our alone time to watch a sports game on television (every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday to be exact), I became intrigued. What’s so great about watching a bunch of grown men tackle each other over an oval-shaped ball? I was a basketball player so this made no sense to me growing up. Over the years, I heavily interrogated or annoyed Kyle to figure out the deal with American football. Since football has been on the girl’s radar lately (thanks to Taylor Swift and Alix Earle), I thought it would be fun to explain football to those girls who don’t follow sports but want to understand why their dads and boyfriends are always cursing at the television. 

I decided to put together a sweet and simple girlish handbook, going into detail specifically on the positions since that’s all I could understand for now. After collecting data, here’s all that I’ve discovered about the National Football League. 

THE GAME:

Like other sports, one team has to start the game. Some sports require a tip-off (basketball), a puck drop (ice hockey), or a kick-off (soccer). In the NFL, you start the game with a simple coin toss. The winner of the coin toss gets to choose whether or not they want to receive or kick the ball off to the other team. Or in my words, do you want to get chased with a ball in your hand and run down the field or do you want to tackle someone for a Hey Arnold! head-shaped ball? 

OFFENSIVE POSITIONS:

• Quarterback
  • The cute main guy, or leader of the offense 
  • Calls the play
  • Identifies defensive formations
  • Hands the ball off to the halfback or fullback
  • Passes the ball to wide receivers or tight ends
  • Some famous quarterbacks are Joe Burrow, Tom Brady, and Patrick Mahomes
• Halfback
  • Receives hand offs or tosses from the quarterback and runs the ball 
  • May catch some passes occasionally
• Fullback (Running Back)
  • Also known as the running back
  • Mainly leads a block for halfbacks 
  • Blocks on passing plays
  • They could run the ball on short yardage downs
• Wide Receivers
  • Runs routes and catches ball passes from the quarterback
  • They may block or run fake routes to fool the other team
  • Sneaky fellas
• Tight End
  • They’re extra help for blocking while plays are in motion
  • They could also run routes and catch passes on pass plays
• Center
  • Pretty obvious name but this guy is the center of the offensive line
  • Their job is to snap the ball to the quarterback and block on all plays
• Guard
  • There are two of these dudes
    • A right and left guard
  • The center is in between them (duh!)
  • Their job is to block all plays
• Tackle
  • Similar to the guards, there are two tackle gentlemen (not so gentle)
  • They are on the outside of the guards
  • Their job is to block and protect the outside from defensive rushers trying to get our favorite player, the quarterback, or the running back

DEFENSIVE POSITIONS:

• Nose Tackle
  • Like Center on Offense, this kid is at the center on the defensive line
  • He’s only in the game when playing with a safety or two linebackers
  • Their job is to defend against the run and put pressure on daddy quarterback
    • He could sack him, leading a loss of yardage
• Defensive Tackle
  • There are two guys on defensive tackle
  • Either on the sides of the nose tackle or are center two linemen when there is no nose tackle present
  • These guys’ job is to defend against the run and put pressure on the quarterback as well
    • Just in a different position on the field
• Defensive End
  • These two masculine men are on the outside of the defensive tackle
  • Their job is to contain the outside run carefully, keeping the running back from getting outside of them
  • Attempting to keep the running back in the middle
  • Trying to stop the play 
  • Rush to the quarterback on pass plays, attempting to get a sack
• Middle Linebacker
  • They are the quarterbacks on the defensive side
  • The leader of the defense and identifies offensive formation
  • Their job is to stop the run
  • Trying to cover route runners or rush after the quarterback on a defensive blitz to get a sack
• Outside Linebacker
  • There can be two of them, the more the better ya know
  • Placed on either side of the middle linebacker
  • Their job is to defend runs
  • Go into pass coverage and blitz
  • Also contain the outside of the defensive end
• Cornerback
  • Their job is to cover wide receivers or other route runners
  • They have to tackle (A-T-T-A-C-K, ATTACK!) when catches are made
  • Try to prevent passes from being completed
  • Attempt to intercept the pass
• Safety
  • We LOVE safety guys, especially when there’s two of them
    • A free safety and a strong safety
  • They are the last line of defense 
  • Their job is to make sure no one gets past them on passes or run plays

SPECIAL TEAMS POSITIONS:

• Punter
  • This guy kicks the ball away when the offense can’t get a first down or score 
  • Usually when they are out of range for a field goal
  • Similar to the kicker
• Kicker
  • This is the dude who kicks the ball at the start of the game and after each score
  • They also kick for extra points after a touchdown (1 point) or kicks a field goal (3 points) when in range
  • They’re only useful when the team can’t get a touchdown or first down
  • Who has two thumbs and gets paid thousands of dollars to kick a ball for a few seconds, THIS GUY
    • Harrison Butker, respectfully I hate you
• Returner
  • This person catches kick from the kicker on kickoff or from punters on punts
  • Their job is to run the ball after catching
  • Speedy guy, we love to see it

After many weeks of questioning, I came to the conclusion that football, or any televised sport for that matter, isn’t always about the sport. It’s about coming together with loved ones, eating good food, and watching a ball game. So from now on, make a pot of chili, grab napkins for your wings, and be sure to tune in every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday for America’s favorite sport.