College is a new start for us all, filled with exciting, untried, glorious opportunities… like living with another person in a room equivalent to the size of a shoe box, for example. Some are moving in with a best friend from home, or maybe a high school classmate, others with someone they met through Instagram DMs or maybe someone completely random. Nevertheless, we all share in common that this experience is entirely unique and filled with its own set of challenges. Today, I want to give you the tools to vanquish these difficulties and restore peace and love to your very own sardine can.Â
Living with another person spans a wide range of difficulties, from adjusting to each other’s schedules to knowing when it’s okay to eat one another’s snacks. Now if you are extremely lucky, everything has been smooth sailing and you happily ended up living with your best friend. However, most of us find ourselves navigating the new struggles of sharing a very small space with another person, especially in these first few weeks. To help you navigate these uncharted waters, let’s tackle some basics.
setting boundaries
The most important thing to remember in any conflict is that your space is as equally yours as it is theirs. The first (and most foolproof!) way to ensure that you both get what you need out of your shared space is to set ground rules. For example, on days that you have an 8am, you should decide on a time that you need the lights and noise off. Or, if your roommate has a time of day that they need peace and quiet in the dorm, negotiate a period of downtime that benefits them while still being comfortable for you.
Other important things to remember about this conversation include ensuring that you are being fair, standing up for yourself, and respecting each other’s boundaries. Of course, being fair includes making sure that your requests are something that is physically possible for your roomie, something that makes sense if you were the person being asked to adjust, and taking your roommate’s feelings into account, but it also requires being fair to yourself.
If something is impossible for you, stand up for yourself! This is your space as well! As much as you are responsible for listening and compromising, so are they.
Confronting Confrontation
When it takes more than being mature, respectful, and in some cases, the bigger person, we run into this nasty thing called confrontation. Obviously, if this is avoidable, I would encourage you to do so, but sometimes that is not possible. When confronted with conflict, I can give you a few tips to keep your cool and walk away in one piece (no promises).
First, when a situation is out of hand, address the problem clearly with your roommate in a calm, collected way. It is always best to get a handle of your emotions before entering a conflict, so take a deep breath, or five. It’s possible that the issue is subconscious, and your roommate doesn’t even notice, or for some it could be a cultural or social difference if your roomie is from the other side of the country or the world. It is imperative that you communicate how the issue is making you feel.
Next, suggest a solution that you feel is fair to both of you. Listen to what your roommate has to say, what their perspective is, and how they feel about your solution. Once you feel that you have reached a compromise that allows you both to live in peace, pat yourself on the back because you just survived your first ever room-related conflict! And, hopefully, you came out unscathed! If the situation cannot be resolved through a one-on-one conversation, there are people around you that can help and are there for that exact purpose.
outsourcing
As much as involving a RA (resident assistant) might feel over the top or too far, you need only remember that you are stuck with this person for the next year…what annoys you now may very well grow to infuriate you in the next few months. I am not suggesting that you initiate a roommate switch over someone not wearing their headphones, as an RA is useful for much more than that.
Your RA can offer you advice about how to better approach a situation in the future in order to be more productive, or can facilitate a monitored conversation between you and your roommate to ensure that any resolution is equal, or even tell you anonymous horror stories to make you feel better (if your RA is as cool as mine, that is). Most importantly, your RA is a person too, and most likely wants conflict on their floor just about as much as you want it in your dorm. Reach out to them as a resource, they are there for YOU.
Most of us experience some form of difficulty in our living arrangements, especially in these first few quarters and years. You are certainly not the only one. Most importantly, keep calm, keep your head, and keep your claws sheathed!