As I sit in the PAC, sipping on my O’Connor CafĂ© kombucha, feeling healthy and aesthetic, I try not to think about the horrifying Scoby I saw on TikTok a mere hour ago. But I can’t escape it.Â
See, Kombucha, despite the slightly nasty smell is nothing but pros. It’s great for gut health, inflammation, immunity and toxins. There’s a wide variety of flavors and brands, now available in most stores and it can last six to eight months while sealed. Beyond the actual benefits, being able to say you’re drinking kombucha gets a wide variety of applause from people who envy your ability to drink something with a bit of fermented funk.Â
My only problem is HealthTok’s insistence on showing me videos of Kombucha starters or as they’re known in the community, Scobies. Scobies are brown, slimy-looking slabs of goop that kind of resemble a large oyster. Doesn’t that sound appetizing to you? Me neither. Yet my feed is flooded with videos of people feeding their Scobies, chopping them up and eating them, or worse filming videos giving them monster-like voices.Â
With each video, I picture the mother Scoby of my kombucha coming to life to avenge the juice that I drank. Or worse, I imagine a Scoby inside of my stomach, slowly eating me alive. Now, I am aware this is impossible and maybe too much of a deep dive into my fear of Kombucha but don’t blame it on me.Â
Fans of the Disney Channel Show Jessie may remember the episode that started it all for me. Titled “Moby & Scoby,” the episode aired in February of 2015, but it feels like yesterday. In the episode, Emma’s science project, a scoby, begins taking over the house until it eventually engulfs her younger brother Luke. This episode should have won the Emmy for horror television. It began my permanent fear of bacterial health beverages which have only been perpetuated over time.
Am I alone in this? I probably am, but I needed to voice my truth. Kombucha is awesome but the Scoby fear might win this battle.