TW: death, please read with caution.Â
Hi friends. This is my first article of the new academic year, and I wish so badly that it was a happier topic than this. I felt extremely compelled, though, to write this and get all my feelings out.Â
News broke on October 16th that Liam Payne (a former member of One Direction) had tragically passed away. I, along with so many others, have felt numb to the news since then. I grew up utterly obsessed with One Direction. When I say obsessed, I mean obsessed. I consumed every sliver of media they released to the public. I still do.Â
I hate telling this story because I feel like it makes me sound like I’m trying to be better than them, but I’m not! I stumbled upon One Direction in 2011, before they had their big break in America. As a young kid with free reign of the internet, it was bound to happen. It felt like they were my little secret, they were fairly popular but nothing close to what they ended up being.Â
I was completely devoted to the band until they went on hiatus. I religiously listened to every album, bought physical copies, bought every single Tiger Beat magazine I could find at the grocery store, woke up at 3AM to listen to their interviews on radio shows in England. My walls were plastered with posters – I didn’t see my bare walls until I was well into high school and figured I should “grow up”… but the love I had for them never went away, and I don’t think it ever will.Â
The band was one constant I had in my life, no matter what. I knew that I could always turn to their music, their videos, or whatever it may be when I needed it. I would even venture to say I spent more time “with” One Direction than I did with members of my family. Everyone in my life knew the love I had for them. I made some of my dearest friends through 1D stan Twitter and Tumblr.Â
So, on Wednesday, my phone blew up the second the news broke. Friends I hadn’t heard from in years checking on me, asking if I was okay, sharing memories… I felt like a kid again. Instantly, I wasn’t a stressed college student trying to enjoy dinner. I was 12 years old and sitting in my childhood bedroom surrounded with those posters. My world felt crushed.Â
It still does. I’m sitting in my childhood bedroom right now, and I’m realizing that my childhood is truly over. I’ll never be that little girl again, I’ll never blindly love something that much again, I’ll never see my favorite band together again. It’s heartbreaking.Â
I remember fans always saying that One Direction was “more than a band”, but I don’t think I understood that until this week. The way I’ve been enveloped by love from all sides of my life is mindblowing. The love is still there within the fandom, it never went away. We just grew up. We moved on with our lives and continued living, but I never considered that version of me is still alive. I keep her safe and so, so close to my heart.Â
I’m still that little girl, and that will never truly be gone. The memories I have from that time of my life are so special to me. If you’re feeling sad or this news has rocked you as well, hold onto that. Only the people who experienced those times will know how special they were. One Direction fans were part of a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and that will never change no matter how the band itself changes.Â
It’s normal to grieve for a celebrity. Even if you didn’t know them personally, you likely spent a good portion of your life admiring them or consuming the media they produced. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t be sad about a stranger, or that you don’t have a right to be upset. If you connect with someone on any level, grief is completely normal. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel your feelings.Â
My heart is obviously very heavy and with Liam’s family, friends, fans, and all the inbetween. Seeing someone this young pass so tragically is always heartbreaking. I know it’s natural to want to know every detail, but try to remember that this is someone’s baby; Liam was a father, a boyfriend, a son, a brother, a friend. It’s so easy to forget that when you get caught up in all the news.Â
I’ll mourn this loss, but I look forward to being able to smile at the memories of growing up with my favorite band. I’m so grateful for the friends I made, things I learned, and good times I had during the peak of One Direction. Now that it’s truly over, I think I’ll hold those memories even closer as I go through life. It was a once in a lifetime experience, and I’m so happy I was part of it. I’m so happy I love so deeply, and even the sadness I feel makes me smile a bit. I loved something so much. I had the absolute time of my life during those years. Liam is partially (â…•) to thank for that. I hope he can rest and know that he had a hand in changing so many people’s lives. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the band.Â
I saw a tweet that said “strip me down to my core and one direction is what you find. everything I have can be traced back to them”. I didn’t realize until seeing how true it really is. I’m a fangirl to my very core, and they’re the ones who started that in me. I love media and films and music so much that sometimes it’s a little overwhelming. That’s just who I am, and all this time, it was because of them. The reason I feel comfortable writing this is because I know how many of my friends in Her Campus are the same as me – utterly consumed by media and what they love. It’s such a lovely thing to be. Just full of love and passion and feeling. I hope I never stop loving things this passionately – I feel like I want to love them even more after this tragedy. Life is so short.Â
Love wildly and without limits. Be unashamed of what drives you and gives you that passion.
Life is cruel and unfair and hard. Be kind to one another. Practice empathy. No matter what. We never, ever know what someone is going through.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or addiction, there are resources available, please reach out.