Everyone idolizes the classic tropes like enemies to lovers, or the popular jock boy falls for the shy, nerdy girl and dreams of finding a love like that. But do these couples with vastly different individuals work out in the real world? Over the past several weeks, I’ve analyzed relationships I have observed in my life, whether they were involving myself or others, romantic and platonic, to observe to what degree opposites actually attract.
Oppositeness, like many things in this life, is a wide spectrum that cannot just be categorized in a few ways, but I have tried my best to find categories. For the purposes of this article, we’re going to look at a person’s traits in three different ways: personality, interests, and core beliefs. While, as you’ll see throughout this analysis, these three pillars are very much intertwined, they are also the most three distinct ways to categorize aspects of an individual that can have likeness or oppositeness to them.
I’ll start by giving definitions of each category. Please note that these are loose definitions, and there is much gray area and overlap as to what they could and could not include. Personality branches is more about how you behave and express yourself as well as how you identify as an individual. For example, bring introverted or extroverted would fall into this category. Next is interests, which is what your activities and careers entail. This spans a wide range of topics, from the sports you play, to what your degree is in, or what type of movies or TV shows you like to watch. Lastly, but arguably most importantly, is core beliefs. This includes your moral code and how you feel about the things (whether it be your family or your career or anything else) that matter the most to you.
Upon looking at all three of these traits, there is no clear yes or no on whether opposites attract in relationships or not. What is common between these three pillars though, is that the degree of importance to you is what affects whether opposites could attract. I will go through examples of each category, and while it won’t be comprehensive, it should give you an idea of what I mean by this.
The first aspect of your identity we will look at is personality. I think this is the one where opposites really can “attract” more so than the other two, as sometimes these differences can bring about balance. For example, to say I am a bit of an extrovert would be the understatement of the century, but I have found some of my favorite romantic relationships have come from being with more mellow people. However, I know other people who have found too much difference in this did not work out in their relationships. For example, someone who is really social and likes to go out can absolutely have a relationship with someone who is a homebody, but when you reach more extreme levels of that scale, it leads to conflict (for example, “I don’t understand why you don’t want to go out and meet my friends!”). Overall, in this area, as long as you are fairly aligned in the others, you can be opposites and very much still attract.
Next up is interests, which is arguably more important than personality, but still not quite as essential as commonalities in core values. I feel like I am someone who absolutely has to have common interests with the people I am dating, because how are you supposed to talk to each other otherwise? For instance, I have been a competitive swimmer since I was 8 years old, and have spent the majority of my life around on a pool deck. I have never had a relationship work out with someone who did not understand the sport, which would make sense, especially considering that as a teenager I was spending 20+ hours a week practicing, ultimately giving me less time to look into other hobbies. Don’t get me wrong, there is a wide range of things that you can find commonality on in this category. Sports, TV shows, your major/minor, books, music, and sense of style are just a few of the many ways you can connect with someone. But if you can’t find overlap in any of the ones that are most important to you, then it’s hard to build a relationship off of that.
Last, but absolutely not least, is core values. Aside from your morals or political/religious beliefs, this also encapsulates your preferences and style of relationship. I think the majority of my breakups, failed flings, and situationships have ultimately stemmed from differences in this area, and I think upon reflection, nearly all of you could agree. For example, while I am ultimately a pretty independent person, I expect my romantic relationships to want to hang out and be there for me on a regular basis should our schedules allow for it. I can think of multiple falling outs in my life that have happened just due to the simple lack of effort to spend time with me. Additionally, I have definitely had disagreements with partners about our morals or political alignments that absolutely became a factor that later came up during breakups. Just like the other 2two pillars, though, this mostly comes from how much it matters to you. I am an atheist, but I have never stopped considering someone as a potential love interest if they are religious. Meanwhile, I’ve had other friends cut ties with men early on enough after they found out their political standpoints were different from theirs, as that is a deal breaker for them.
So, do opposites attract? The short answer is yes, you can absolutely find love with someone who is pretty different from you, especially on paper. But true complete opposites? No way! Every relationship needs common ground at its foundation, and without that, there’s nowhere to build up.