We all make first impressions — whether meeting someone in class, at a social event or just holding the door open for a stranger. First impressions are all about those quick, gut reactions when we meet someone new. Those first few moments set the tone moving forward.
Often, an introduction does not impact the rest of your relationship, but in the moment, it can feel paramount to impress the person you are speaking to. We form opinions about people in a matter of seconds, and although those first thoughts rarely stick, everyone wants to make a good impression.
Through an Instagram poll on my story, I asked people from different parts of my life — classmates, friends, people I have met through clubs, travel and volunteer work — what their first impressions of me were. I will admit, I was a little nervous about what people would say. Would they pick up on the insecurities I always fixate on? The responses, however, told a completely different story.
I tend to get into my head about what others think about me and how I am perceived. When I meet new people, I convince myself they think I am strange. I replay conversations, dissecting every little thing I said and wondering if they walked away thinking I said something awkward. But here’s the thing: chances are, they did not.
Turns out, people’s first impressions of me were not anything like the overanalyzed image I had in my head. The responses read “super duper outgoing,” and “incredibly confident.” High school classmates described me as “inspiring,” and “passionate and determined!” I expected people to say things like “awkward” or “too shy,” but instead, I received “fun, bubbly and outgoing” and “kind and warm.”
The impressions that others have of us are often more generous than we give ourselves credit for. Most people do not notice half the things we are stressing about, and even if they do, they usually do not care as much as we think they will.
People viewed me as friendly and confident, which was surprising because I worried about being too quiet. These responses made me realize that many of my worries about how people see me are not founded in truth — they are simply anxieties.
Why do we assume the worst about how we come across to other people? As if we get trapped in our heads, building up these negative stories that are based on our anxiety, rather than the reality of the situation. Psychologists call this the spotlight effect— the idea that we overestimate how much people are paying attention to us. Spoiler alert: they are not.
“You’ve held the door for me multiple times at Marchetti, always with a smile; it says a lot about a person!” wrote someone who lived in my building. Sometimes, we have no idea how the things we say or do impact other people and which of our small, seemingly insignificant gestures will be remembered. This is the reverse end of the spectrum of the spotlight effect — we forget that strangers notice our kindness more than we think.
That is why I always try to be kind and positive, and it made me feel insanely validated to realize that it pays off. People I have only ever interacted with in passing described me as “warm,” “stylish,” and “sincere.” I had no idea they even noticed me.
One of my freshman-year floormates described me as “influential and intimidating,” which made me pause because I certainly did not consider myself to be either of those things at that point in my life. It turns out, that the “intimidating” label came up a few times, like when a friend said I seemed “a bit intense.” But it was often paired with descriptions like “insightful,” “confident,” and “free-spirited,” words that felt more positive than how I often interpret my assertiveness. No one called me bossy or over-the-top. It made me realize that I feel anxious about traits that others perceive much more positively.
Some of the kindest replies came from people I was certain disliked me when we met. “Intelligent, well spoken, stands up for what she believes in, beautiful, and amazing style!” listed off one of my old friends, who I was sure had a bad first impression of me, as if I am a woman worthy of such high praise. Perhaps I am. Responses like these made my heart soar, wondering why I question my own worth and qualities.
As I read through the responses, it felt like so much pressure was lifted off my shoulders. Not because I was liked, but because the people around me saw me how I wanted to present myself, rather than how I feared I would be perceived. The stories we tell ourselves are often so much harsher than reality.
After reflecting, I have started to rethink how I view first impressions. We often get so wrapped up in what we think people see in us that we forget they might be seeing something good. What if the confidence, kindness and passion we try so hard to project are the very things others notice?
It is certainly easy to be your own worst critic, but maybe we should give ourselves more credit. People are often kinder in their perceptions than we are in our self-judgments. First impressions, it turns out, might be less about the things we worry about — aggressive pauses, nervous laughter or unfiltered opinions—and more about the things we should celebrate: our warmth, energy and authenticity.
The next time you catch yourself spiraling over how you came across, you should remember that you do not know what others are thinking. Maybe the next person you worry about scaring off will be your “personality twin,” as my “big sister” from my sorority described me.
First impressions are not about perfection; sometimes, they are about showing up as you are and trusting that it is more than enough.