Is he gay or is he just not that into me?
Today we ask the age-old question.Â
As both a sex educator and a woman who has had her fair share of romantic run-ins with queer men, accidentally and on purpose, this is a question I’ve had to ask on many occasions.
I don’t believe it’s good practice to stereotype people’s sexualities based on their fashion, voice or any surface-level traits. However, when a man comes in with a pearl necklace bumping Troye Sivan, I understand the urge to make a quick assumption. But my goal is to dig a bit deeper in this article than typical feminine or masculine traits.
When you are a stunningly beautiful, intelligent and funny woman, as all Her Campus readers obviously are, and a man isn’t interested, it’s easy to walk away wondering if he is even into women at all. What other explanation could there be for a grade-A gal like you getting passed up?
I once dated a man that everyone told me was gay. But I didn’t want to look at his immaculate style and vibrant personality and make an assumption. I did let him know from the jump that if he was interested in men, it didn’t bother me, as long as he was still into me. He assured me he wasn’t and we moved on.
But when we broke it off, I started connecting some dots. This man was always more interested in hanging around the boys than with me. He ended things as soon as I was ready for intimacy. He was extra interested in the Badonkadonk.
Is that suspicious or am I just bitter that it ended poorly? And is it even moral to question someone’s sexual orientation? When someone tells us who they are, we should just believe it, right? But I can’t help wondering if he will be one of the closeted gay men who marries a woman and only divorces her and comes out of the closet after raising three beautiful children together. Am I crazy? Probably. But I know I’m not the only one.
This was a topic that I have been debating writing about because I think it walks the line of morality for a sex educator. However, I know a lot of women who have wondered about this, and I know we aren’t all nuts because some of those exes do eventually share that truth.
So if you are the girl asking, “Is he gay or is he just not that into me?” I have a life lesson for you, that I had to learn the hard way.
He is not into you.Â
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who he is into, though we can wonder, but he’s definitely not into you. Speculating if he is gay is our coping mechanism. It’s easier to think he’s gay than to think he likes women, but just not you.Â
It hurts, but no one is everybody’s cup of tea. Rejection doesn’t make you less worthy of love. If he can’t appreciate your worth, he’s not a good fit. So take a deep breath, and find the people who don’t make you ask the question in the first place!