Growing up, I never had a boyfriend. I never knew what it was like to be in a relationship, and I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to love someone who loves you back. In middle and high school, I watched my peers have boyfriends. While some became high school sweethearts, some simply didn’t last. I’ve always had people tell me that high school relationships always end in heartbreaks, and I hated hearing that. Because as strange as it sounds, I’ve always wanted that experience. I wanted to share similar stories to those who have been through this, and have a chance to be vulnerable with one another. I’ve always wanted to understand what it’s like to go through a heartbreaking breakup, and I often put myself in other people’s shoes in this situation. I wanted to fully feel a connection to the other person’s emotion. To add to that, sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out on that experience. To this day, I still wish I knew what it was like being a teenage girl in love.
As much as I don’t want to admit this, when I was 14-15 years old, I had crushes on boys, which I would always talk about with my friends. I was very desperate for a relationship, and felt like I had no hope for true romance. I always wished that someone I had feelings for would feel the same way for me. To add to that, I started to feel self-conscious of the way I looked, and the fact I had no dating history. I even compared myself to my classmates at school, as well as Instagram models. All I would do is fantasize about what could have been a real relationship for me. I felt isolated from others, and was self conscious of the fact that I’d never even had my first “talking stage” either.
Now that I’m in my college years, I still have yet to find a partner. I always imagine planning date nights and having a special connection with someone. Although now I focus on other priorities, I can’t help but wish I had a romantic interest by my side. Sometimes I cry wondering what how different my life would be if I were in love. I constantly have others tell me that all I need is myself and that I should learn to be “independent”. Although I love when others try to comfort me with these words, sometimes hearing this confuses me more on what I want. It’s like one part of me wants to strive to be an independent girlboss, while the other just wants a man to treat me like a princess. But why can’t I have both? Why can’t I be a hardworking woman achieving her goals while also having someone by her side supporting her? I had this thought process for a long time throughout my college career, and I just concluded it by saying “It is what it is,” and “What is meant for me will come find me,”.
Right now I’m working on not shifting my focus on a romantic partner, but by spending more time on understanding myself more before looking for a love interest. Now I know that I can’t lose myself before losing my chances at romance, because at the end of the day, the only person that will stick by me at all times is, of course, myself.
Looking back, I wish I didn’t put all of my focus on boys. As I grew older, I realized that everything happens for a reason. However, I still wish I knew what it’s like to be in a romantic relationship with someone. To this day, I still wonder how a high school romance experience could’ve went.
To every woman who has never dated: You are not alone. Your dating history does not define your worth as a person. Having a strong support system of family and friends is what you need. Believe me when I say the right person for you is out there and will treat you like the queen you are. It takes time, but they will come.