Have you ever been talking to a girl and then realize you have no idea what your relationship is? Are you both queer and have taken steps closer that don’t seem like friendship? You’re not alone! As a fellow queer woman, I understand the pain. However, this doesn’t have to be the case with every relationship. I understand the feeling of going on a date or something similar to a date and then going home and planning out the rest of your life with that person. Unfortunately, this will have to be step one in this survival guide. As tempting as it is to make playlists and send cute Instagram posts to each other, the first thing we have to ask ourselves is, what relationship do I and this person have in the first place? Were you friends first? Did you just meet? The best way to find out your relationship with someone is to simply ask them, no matter how scary that might be. Asking other people who have no idea what your relationship looks or feels like will not be how you’ll find out about your relationship status.
You might be asking yourself, what exactly is a situationship? A situationship is an undefined romantic or sexual relationship where one or both parties are unsure where the relationship lies. There is typically little or no communication between both parties on plans for the future or how committed you are. This can get particularly hard as a queer woman because sometimes it’s difficult to tell where emotional intimacy ends and romance begins. These can typically start very fun and then get complicated and confusing later on, especially if there is a lack of communication. I have been in a situation myself where I would keep going on dates and then get absolutely no communication afterward. This is a case where reaching out didn’t necessarily help me, and that is a red flag. Another red flag is if you are seeing this person constantly for months and you’re ready to make it official, but then they say something along the lines of “I’m not ready to commit” or “I really want to be your partner, but…” This is a sign to run away immediately and come to terms with the fact that you may have wasted a few months of your life. This can get especially tricky when you were already friends with this person prior to dating, because depending on your personalities, this can ruin a friendship. However, there are some tips and tricks to help one see past their rose-colored glasses and into real life.
The first thing you should ask yourself is: Am I okay with having an ambiguous relationship? If you are someone who gets easily attached and goes all in on relationships, then the situationship is not right for you. But, if you’re looking for something a little more casual and you don’t care that much about labels, then this is a great situation for you. Oftentimes, these relationships are undefined and unlabeled, and for some people that’s perfect, while others not so much. The most important thing you can do in this scenario is have a good idea of who you are in a relationship and how you tend to be or how you think you’ll be. For example, I am someone who thrives on communication and I do get worried if I don’t hear from a potential partner at least once a day. That’s because communication is important to me and I know what to look out for in my relationships. Setting boundaries is also important, especially at the beginning. Waiting for things to change after several months and never communicating is not the way to go. It’s good to set your expectations with somebody right away, especially if this is someone who you were close to beforehand since friendships and romantic relationships have different boundaries. I know all too well that it can be easy to listen to your favorite romance song and imagine all the amazing possibilities you could have with this person, however, I strongly recommend against doing that because it can get your hopes and expectations up without meaning to.
Once you have asked yourself all of these questions and also have taken the time to figure out who you are and what you want in a relationship, then it’s time to decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. If you feel like there have been multiple red flags, they don’t respect your boundaries or there has been no communication, then it might be time to consider letting go of the relationship. However, if going casual is more your style, then by all means, keep going as long as you feel like you’re respected in the relationship. There are a lot of misconceptions that casual relationships or situationships don’t have respect or don’t need to have respect because it isn’t as serious as a traditional relationship. This couldn’t be further from the truth. All relationships need to have respect and consent regardless of what the label or status is. Remember, if things don’t end up working out, it’s not the end of the world and the feeling of sadness will not last forever. Surround yourself with your support system and some of your favorite hobbies to get through it. I promise you, there is someone out there, you just have to be patient and you’ll find them.
