For all my girlies who think and feel a little too hard
Ever since I was young, I’ve always been in awe of the changing trees during fall. It’s one of my favorite times of the year, as I am constantly reminded by how beautiful this world can be, regardless of what’s happening in it. I feel a certain warmth and happiness as I watch green turn to various shades of red, orange and yellow – it’s something I could do for hours, days even, and never get tired of it. But as I try to enjoy these moments, I get hit with a pain of sadness as I watch the wind take leaf after leaf away, and they begin to pile on the ground. I know that in a few short weeks, that warmth and beauty will fade to barren grayness as winter takes over. Vibrant, full landscapes will turn to nothing right before my eyes.
When it comes down to it, this feeling stems from an inability to fully enjoy the current moment in favor of what’s to come. I think as women, we tend to do this more than normal. We’re often big thinkers and feelers, and this can override the blissful ignorance of being happy with the present. It is easy to constantly think about what’s next, which takes over many other, more important feelings and thoughts. This is the “existential, permanent female dread” I refer to. Maybe I’m a bigger victim than most to this mindset, but I find it dictates my life often as I try to enjoy particular moments.
This existential dread has been even more prevalent now as I go through my senior year of college. Every wonderful moment I have with my friends is clouded by the reminder that soon this too will end. Before I know it, all my friends will move away and start new jobs and lives as I stay here and finish my grad program. This is a constant reminder hanging over my head, making it difficult to fully enjoy every precious moment I have.
When this feeling reaches the extreme, I even avoid situations that should be so meaningful to me. I find I don’t want to look at fall foliage anymore because it hurts to know it’s so fleeting. And this applies to the moments I spend in this final year of college as well – at times it’s easier to avoid all together, rather than be reminded they won’t last forever.
However, as easy as it is to get caught up in your dread, I hope to start using it to my advantage. It’s not bad to think and feel deeply – rather, I believe it makes me a better person, and it’s a simple fact of how I function. But instead of just producing sadness and preventing me from enjoying precious moments, it should be a reminder of the importance of doing so. I believe this feeling can be used for good, and I can learn to seek out these moments and fully enjoy them while I can.
Every current moment is precious, precisely because it doesn’t last. So this fall, as I watch the leaves fall away one by one, I hope to appreciate these moments a little more because of what’s yet to come.