Edited by: Bhavika Rawat
Dear Diary,
Friend. There are so many definitions of a “friend” — someone who is there for you when you need it the most, someone who makes you laugh, someone who always matches your vibe. Well, they do not ALWAYS have to match your vibe. They do not ALWAYS have to give you the full amount of respect that you think you deserve from them and they do not ALWAYS have to respect your boundaries. Do they?
Am I just looking for excuses so that I do not have to lose her, the closest thing I have resembling an actual friend in this field of acquaintances and almost-friends? Is my tiredness justified or do I need to get off my high horse and understand that she just does not take all this seriously? For her, making fun of someone is never that serious. She tells me she cannot deal with too much sensitivity and drama. I mean if I expect her to understand me, shouldn’t I understand her point of view too? Maybe, I need to stop overthinking this and just take everything lightheartedly like she does.
Or should I stop chasing temporary laughs that are clearly affecting my self-respect and self-esteem in the long run. No, I should not always be the butt of her jokes, deemed funny by everyone including me. No, I should not always have to ask her for something completely trivial at least 10 times before I can get her to do it. No, I should not always have to be the only one texting, calling, begging to hang out.
But she is right there every time I cry because my boyfriend is acting like a piece of shit. She is right there when I want to unload everything running in my head at a hundred miles an hour. She is right there assuring me that she is on my side.
But why do I feel like she never is, in the mundanity of everyday things? Why do I feel like she HAS to keep hanging out with me because we run in the same circles? Why do I feel like she is always tired of my personality?
Maybe because she has said that to my face more than a thousand times, always passing it as a joke that should have been obvious to me. Maybe because these days we only accidentally hang out when we are in a group. Maybe because each and every action of hers hints at the fact that it is a one-sided friendship, completely from my side.
I know I am going in circles. I know I cannot seem to make up my mind. Believe me, I am so much more tired than you are. What do you do when you realize you deserve more but you cannot find this “more” everyone keeps telling you about? And then you spiral back into the thought that maybe this is the best you can get. This is what you deserve. This is what friendship is. You have to choose. You cannot have everything in one friend.
And then these evil, unwanted thoughts creep in feeding me with evil, unwanted lines — “stay for the laughs”, “bear with her until you need to rant about your boyfriend”. And I obviously do not want to be this person. On the contrary, I really like her and I would love nothing more than to just keep hanging out with her.
Currently, we are not on talking terms because I, for the first time in our friendship, stood up for myself. Yes, for an extremely trivial matter, but sometimes the small things pile up. And then you explode. And it’s not really in your control. And then you regret everything because you can see that she does not care that you both are not even speaking to each other. And then you hate yourself because you STILL just want her to like you. Is that too much to ask for? Why do I even need her to want to be my friend?
This is starting to sound like a middle school sob story in a pink, locked-with-a-key diary but this desperate need to be liked by everyone and this hazardous search for friends in people you know in your heart are not really compatible with you in the long run, may stem from underlying issues that I need to grapple with and face head on. Accepting the very basic fact that I am not being treated with the respect I deserve is the first of many steps. Accepting that it is okay to let go of a friendship that you did not want to let go of is necessary. It is okay if we just remain acquaintances who hang out with the same group of friends. I do not have to search for a lifelong, soul-bound friend in her when she is not even sure if she actively wants to spend time with me when it is just us in the room.It’s not that big of a deal. She’s just a girl. Just a girl I would have loved to be best friends with.